"Hello?"

"Hello Cayden Cailean, you've reached the Time Police. How can we help you?" (Skipping the introductions by simply going with whatever the caller would have introduced themselves as if you had asked them is fine, but callers often benefit from the subjective experience of describing their problems in their own words, so it's best to let them do it.)

"I time traveled into the future and I seem to be a god? Why am I a god? Who let me be a god? People keep deferring to me and I don't like it!"

"I can tell you why and who let you, but if I do and if you then return to your original time without wiping or sealing your memories, you're much more likely--but not certain--to get killed by Asmodeus than if I don't tell you. Given that, do you still want to know? Also, have you considered picking a different name to use in the future? It's very traditional, having different names for different time periods."

"I mean, I know what I did to become a god, everyone keeps telling me I went for the Starstone on a drunken dare which-- sounds like me, honestly-- but I should be DEAD and no one knows why I'm not DEAD."

"Those who die irretrievably in the Starstone Cathedral are those who passed the tests, became gods, and were destroyed by the other gods at the moment of their ascension. You survived because you did not give the other gods time to coordinate. The Good gods were able to instantly agree that your existence as a god would be to the benefit of Good, and the Evil gods were unable to agree equally quickly to share the work of destroying you."

"The Time Police are not legally responsible for any consequences of what you do with this information, except insofar as we will prevent you from creating time paradoxes."

"Well I'm not going to become a god! I don't want to be a god! Apparently I'm the god of alcohol!"

"That's alright, I checked the dashboard and you're in a high -branching-factor zone. Is there something you'd rather be the god of?"

"There's a bizarre shortage of gods of children so probably that?"

"Lemme run a few hours of calculations real quick, okay there's like a 20% chance that if you stay in this spacetime sector and do a lot of generalized looking-out-for-children you'll be able to pull that off. Fun fact, by one metric it'll actually be the first time someone in your sheafbundle was a god twice at the same time, though not the first time someone ascended to godhood twice."

"Cool. Thanks. Still not sure I... want... to be a god but the other me seems to be doing okay? --I know you said that I should use a different name but I already introduced myself to a bunch fo people as me and I can't exactly get them to forget."

"Not with that attitude! Anyway, you don't need to ascend again if you don't want to and you don't need to decide until . . . well, the more impulsively you do it the better your odds are, so really do whatever."

"Not only am I dumb and impulsive but apparently I'm the dumbest and most impulsive person in four thousand years."

"Seems to be working out for you pretty well! Have a nice collection of days."

Hullo, is this the time police?

I'd like to report an abnormal anomaly in the local fabric of space.

It's all traversible dimensions to us, innit. An abnormal anomaly, you say? Hmmm. Please describe this anomaly and your interactions with same in detail, being careful to distinguish between your sense data and your inferences. 

You see, space out here, it's all wonky. You start going in a straight line, and you keep going for a while... and you come back just where you came from. People throw things into space, and instead of flying off away, this wonky fabric of our space makes them get stuck in loops.

And then people tell me that I gotta stay on the straight and narrow.

If all three spatial dimensions are rolled up like that then unrolling any of them would require adding an infinite amount of space to your universe, which is certainly possible but very expensive. Your disagreements with other people on how many crimes you should commit are not of interest to this department.

...

[The Joker hangs up.]

The nice thing about prank callers is that they never require one to do any work. And they can hardly waste one's time.

"Uh, time police? Hello? I am stuck in a time loop and need help from someone who knows what they are doing. Please please answer now and not in a three Standard Galactic Time Units or something, I will not have access to this device in the next iteration and maybe never. Don't know what details you need about the situation, so...

So, me and... my associates were planning to summon... an entity... that would be perfectly explainable in the standard worldview. Instead, I entered the loop two seconds before summoning is complete, and each loop we get someone different. Witches. Inquisitors. Dames Of Battle. Necromancers. Undead mechanical dolls. Always humanoids, always from another world - the same, insane violent world. We didn't know other worlds existed! They are usually crazy and dangerous. Usually I die in various inventive ways. If things go on after my death a lot of other people die after, maybe the whole planet. If I don't die, I still get pulled back to the ritual a day or two after. This time I got a "light witch", she is a very nice lady, she got me this... time-space thing I am using to call you... And I will not be this lucky next time.

Is it possible to fix this?"

"I'm going to try to lock onto your subjective timestream in case we lose contact. While I do that: did you notice anything strange when you first entered the loop, and do you notice anything strange when it resets without you dying? Have you tried disrupting the summoning ritual and does that have any effects on the loop? Is the other world looping as well, or is time proceeding linearly there?"

"Didn't notice entering, nothing pinpointed that moment until the first reset. When I reset, it feels like waking up - things become less real, I see many nonsensical ways for things to continue, apparently generated by my brain and not reality, and then I'm back. I don't think I'm asleep now - I've counted my fingers, I've felt the roof of my mouth with my tongue, I've done and checked complex math.

I have two seconds to disrupt the ritual and as it's almost complete I can only disrupt it a little. I tried a couple of times and then the thing that comes out is even less human. The undead mechanical doll that can enter minds was one of those times." - nervous giggle. - "I don't think a ritual could do it by itself, the guy who performs it has done it hundreds of times before, just on a smaller scale, and had no time problems.

The other world is not looping to my knowledge. Those... people... come from different times, across millennia, and almost never know each other. They always hold small empty metal boxes, created by a crazy wizard on their side. They think it's some great treasure that nobody has been able to find before them, but apparently there are a bunch of those boxes and they just send people who touch them here. They are hidden behind dangerous traps, it's always powerful dark mages or worse who find them."

"Hey, that's good news for you, if there's a summoning on one end and a banishing on the other I should be able to find you eventually just from the many-to-one connection pattern.* Do you think anyone else is in the loop with you? You can generally tell even without meeting them, because iterations go differently even when you make all the same choices, but you've got butterflies from the summons in there too, so maybe you don't know."

*The Time Police investigates all such half-looped planar connections that come to their attention. There aren't very many of them--well, there are an infinite number, but they're a very small fraction of either planar connections or time loops--and they're often the result of time crimes.