He wakes up in an open fronted glass coffin, with his limbs restrained. The room outside is dimly lit, like it was designed by someone who shunned the light. 

There's a ring of coffins going around the room. Only one other one is occupied, by a green skinned woman who is struggling to break out.

A... man? With a...squid for a head? Floats into the room. He picks something white and wriggling from a pool in the centre of the room. He opens the coffin of the woman, tadpole in hand. 

She struggles even harder, but the tadpole creature seems to have some innate predatory sense and climbs into her eyeball.

The squid man closes the coffin, picks up another of those tadpoles, and brings it to Cayden.

He blacks out again as it climbs underneath his eyeball.

He awakens again, coffin open and restraints gone. Both the squid man and the woman are missing. 

A series of thoughts pass through Cayden's head:

1. Well, this is the weirdest day I've ever had.
2. Tadpole! In my eyeball! Gross!
3. The sense that he was supposed to know what a squid-head man is, and in fact that someone explained this to him at some point but he'd gotten bored and stopped paying attention until the part where someone needed him to stab something.
4. Regret that he didn't bring a wizard to explain what the squid-head man is. Or a song-sorcerer. Cayden is a huge fan of song-sorcerers, they can throw a good party and they know all kinds of random shit.
5. The sneaking suspicion that he should have been wearing the wisdom headband when he decided whether to sell it. 
6. Gratitude that he has a Ring of Tongues so he doesn't have to go through all eighteen or so languages he can stumble through to see if any of them are spoken by squidpeople.  

"Hello?" he tries. "Tadpole thing in my eyeball? Are you sentient? Wiggle or something if you can hear me?" Then, in case it was telepathic, he tried thinking that very loudly.  

It is telepathic! And also squirming uncomfortably inside of his skull!

It doesn't communicate in words-- but it also feels young, so maybe it just hasn't learned yet? It's very happy! It also thinks Cayden should not leave this room. 

Awwwwww.

Hey, kiddo. Stop squirming now, that kinda hurts. Why shouldn't I leave the room?

It keeps wriggling, with a faint aura of wondering why it should be listening to him?

He should stay here because it is the will of

AUTHORITY

(It's impressively good at yelling for something non-verbal.)

This young and already an Asmodean. 

You know, kiddo, when AUTHORITY tells you to not to do something, it's usually because that thing is fun. 

He gets out of the coffin. 

The tadpole really can't stop him from doing that, even if it would like to.

There is the ring of empty pods, the faintly glowing pool, and an off-puttingly fleshy door-like structure.

He pokes the off-puttingly fleshy door, then tries to see if it has a handle or something. 

It spirals open. Ahead, there is an equally fleshy corridor.

There's a roar in the distance that makes every hair on the back of his neck stand up. Red dragon.

Then there's a dizzy sensation of rapidly travelling to another plane. 

Dragon?! Another plane shift?!

Cayden needs a drink. 

He does, honestly. 

There's another series of shifts, before the structure settles on one of them. 

He leaps to his feet, scanning the horizon for enemies while readying himself to fight, he doesn't have his sword but his fists are--

He does not do that. Instead, he collapses to the ground and vomits.

Now that Cayden thinks about it, he feels weird right now. Not that he's tired, exactly, but that tiredness is a possibility, that after only a fight or two he might actually need to rest. Not that his body isn't doing what he wants it to, exactly, but that he doesn't have the fine precision and control that he's used to. Not that he's moving at a different speed than he wants to, but his movements still feel slow somehow, like his thoughts are taking longer to get to his hands...

--Calistria's thrice-blasted balls. Undead.

Cayden knew a guy who had lost to a vampire. He used to be one of the best warriors in the Taldane army, now he could barely carry two pails of water. He'd made the best of it-- married, had five kids, Cayden stopped by when he was in town-- but... Cayden would rather die than live a life like that. Arguably, the governing feature of Cayden's life so far has been that he'd rather die than live a life like that.

Aroden's shit, is he going to have to worry about his liver now? Nah, he's still going to die before it gives out. 

At least no one's going to be weird about how good he is at fighting anymore!

There are no immediate visibly enemies.

There is a horrible crunching sound, like a dragon is trying to bite through the wall next to him. 

Unfortunately, Cayden's reflexes haven't adjusted for him having his life-force drained, so he glances towards the source of the sound and prepares to run to it. 

A piece of wall tears off with a sound like someone cutting a cicada shell with a knife. 

First observation: wind whistles through the hole, hot and sulphurous. This structure is flying far above the ground.

Second observation: YEP, THAT'S A YOUNG ADULT RED DRAGON WITH A MYSTERIOUS GREEN PERSON ON IT. 

Civilians in the area?

Just him for now. 

There's another door at the end of this corridor, and who knows whose there. 

Okay yeah he's going to run for the door.

ARGH WHY IS HE SO SLOW NOW

If it helps,  the dragon and its rider is now being mobbed by imps? He makes it to the door.

On the other side there is a room of organic walls and dark metal floors. The organic parts seem somewhat singed.

There is a pod of hanging tentacles, a table with books, and dead man on what appears to be a surgical table. 

There's a soft voice that's hard to tell how much is audible and how much is telepathic. "Over here! Help!"

Sorry, corpse, a person is in need!

...Man, he really hopes this isn't a Blackfinger cult. He still gets nauseous every time he thinks about the last Blackfinger cult. 

The sound seems to be... coming from the body?

Sorry, corpse, you are a person in need!

Fuck, it is a Blackfinger cult. 

"What do you need? Quickly, there's a red dragon." are you a weird tadpole

The top of the dead body's skull is missing, and the brain quivers as he approaches.

"Yes! You have come to free us! To release us! Quickly, before they return. They return."

Okay, that's not a Blackfinger cult victim, that's an intellect devourer and while Cayden believes in all beings' potential for redemption he doesn't actually want to risk his life for something that kills a person every week to survive. Especially since by "help" it might mean "Cayden is next."

He runs!

(He did not miss the human concept of fatigue!)

The pathway leads to a larger torn out section of ship. 

From this angle, it's clearer that this ship has tentacles, and that it is very much not in the Prime Material plane right now. 

He'd always wanted to get to leave the Prime Material. Like, before he died.

Can he find a place to hide from the dragon?

There's a broken column!

Unfortunately a warrior in half plate with a greatsword was standing on it.

She flips over Cayden and lands in front of him,  sword out. "Abomination! This is your end!"

The tadpole squirms.

His head throbs and his skin tingles. Visions rush past: a dragon's wing, a silver sword, your face through this woman's eyes. 

She seems to be feeling it too. 

It does not look comfortable.

Kiddo needs socialization with other members of its species, apparently.

He puts his hands up in the see-I'm-not-armed gesture. Not that he needs a sword to w-- he does need a sword to win. Asmodeus damn it. 

"Hey, hey, hey. I'm Chaotic Neutral, I'm human, I just got here, I have no idea what's going on, I don't want to hurt you, that dragon over there definitely wants to hurt both of us. Can we talk about it?"

"You are no thrall. Vlaakith blesses me today. Together we might survive, with the help of my people and the dragons."

...Vlaakith sounds like an obscure demon lord! It's the extra vowels. Demon lords have a thing for extra vowels.

"Can you catch me up on the current situation?"

She looks annoyed that Cayden doesn't know the situation, but in the sort of way you'd be annoyed at a dog being confused.  "We have been infected by ghaik parasites. We must escape this ship and be cleansed."

"...sorry, I plane-shifted here. I've been conscious on this plane for maybe fifteen minutes altogether. I only speak your language because I have a Ring of Tongues. I'm broadly in favor of getting off this ship, but I don't want to be cleansed until I know what the process involves. I don't know who Vlaakith is or what a ghaik parasite is, although I assume the second one is the tadpoles. --Uh, I worship Desna, Calistria, Shelyn, Sarenrae, Besmara, Arshea, Marishi, uh, Kofusachi... I don't know which gods you have here... do you know your alignment?" 

She gives a look of increasing confusion. "I follow Vlaakith."

"...yeah, okay, let's get off the ship and deal with this situation later. What's the plan?"

"We defeat the imps and take the helm of this ship."

Okay, so he's really not confident that he's on Unhelpful Sword Lady's side here. He's pretty sure he stepped into some kind of Chaotic-Evil-vs.-Lawful-Evil situation, what with the vowels and the not recognizing Sarenrae or Desna. But he's not really against killing imps, and he just wants to resolve this situation in some way so he can get answers to questions like "what plane am I on?"

Also he's frustrated and wants to kill something. 

"Sure, let's. Do you know where I could get a spare sword or am I doing this barehanded?"

She takes a sheathed dagger off her belt and hands it to him, hilt first. 

Cool cool cool. 

Time to go kill some imps. 

Oh god he hates having his lifeforce drained. He hates it. He hates it. 

His reflexes are all wrong. Now that he's trying to move as fast as he can, he notices that he actually is slow. His dagger hits places other than the exact tenth of an inch he intended it to hit. An imp surprises him. He can't remember the last time anything surprised him in combat. He tries to backflip his way through a group of four imps, just on impulse, without even thinking of it, and instead he falls on his butt. He falls! On his actual butt! Lae'zel was watching!

But imps were never exactly difficult, and he tears through them with only a few scratches, which are more embarrassing than painful.

He's winded by the time they arrive at the helm. This sucks so hard. 

If it's any consolation, Lae'zel is not much better.  More formally trained, maybe, less prone to impulsive backflips, definitely, but not better.

Hey! Cayden has had plenty of formal training! It was just all for someone faster and more agile than he presently is. 

Okay. Helm. What are they doing at the helm? 

In the room before the helm, there's another set of pods. Most are empty. 

One contains a half elf woman banging desperately against the glass. "Let me out! Please!"

"We have no time for stragglers."

Lawful Evil vs. Chaotic Evil it is!

"I'll get you out!"

He punches open the glass and then immediately regrets that decision. 

"Find the controls!"

"There's no time!"

He can't break the glass because he's not as strong as he used to be, which is probably good, because he's also not as durable as he used to be and if he got shards of glass in his hand it would hurt.

"Where are the controls?"

If punching glass worked, she'd be out already. 

"They took the others out using that--" She gestures to a table covered in glowing runes.

While the glass is glass, there is a seam running around the front of the pod he could try forcing.

Let's try forcing the seam. 

The seam is forcible! 

She collapses out of the pod onto her knees, and picks herself up. "Thank you,  I thought that thing would be my coffin."

Your tadpoles connect. She's grateful, yes, but it's mixed with wariness: you have a gith with you.

"Hi! I'm Cayden Cailean, Chaotic Neutral human adventurer. I'm from a different plane. I've spent about half an hour conscious on this plane and I spent about half of it killing imps so I can't overstate how little I understand anything that's happening." 

"Shadowheart, and I don't think I'm technically from this plane either. I think we can all agree that getting off this ship is our next move." She's theoretically talking to the both of them, but it seems rather pointed towards Lae'zel.

"Great plan! How do we do it?"

"I saw a mindflayer heading through that door, and I'd guess it was the helm. If we can get control of it, we can land somewhere that isn't--whereever we are now."

"The Hells. Avernus, I believe."

"Sonewhere that isn't Avernus then."

Avernus??? Fuck. Not exactly a scenic tourist destination. 

He heads towards Probably The Helm. 

They both follow.

Shadowheart quickly grabs a geometric object out of her pod before she does so. 

"What's that?"

"Nothing important. Trust me."

That sounds definitely important and also not the sort of thing he'd get an answer about if he pushed.

What's in the Probably Helm?

Good news! The helm appears to have controls. Well, it has wriggling tentacles, but they do look like control-y ones. 

Bad news: the helm is also full of mind flayers fighting a mix of imps and cambions. And through the front view port, the horizon line is very high up, almost as if the ship is in a nose dive.

A mind flayer speaks in your mind. We must escape. Connect the nerves of the transponder. It gives you an image of the wriggling tentacles on the other side of the all out melee.

Wow this conflict has way too many sides and all of them seem pretty evil.

He looks at Shadowheart, the only person so far who neither is an evil outsider nor has done anything particularly evil, and copies what she's doing. 

Shadowheart seem pretty focused on getting through the horde of devils to the transponder!

She casts something-- and he isn't as good at fighting as he was, but he's definitely better than he was five minutes ago.

To the transponder!

On autopilot he tries to do some fancy stuff with the dagger that doesn't work, but fortunately whenever he notices he can just stab things with the dagger instead. 

Imps remain squishy, cambions are frustratingly not squishy.

One of the mind flayers puts it's tentacles around the head of a cambion and-- somehow kills it by just doing that? (There may have also been a horrible crunching sound. It's pretty loud here.)

Lae'zel is keeping his flanks clear. Shadowheart is providing healing as necessary, and has created illusory clones of herself. 

It's nice having a party even if most of them are probably Evil. 

(It's embarrassing that people can flank him.)

Eventually he arrives at the transponder.

In front of him, there are two nerves that he knows will take him back to the Prime Material.

A dragon lands against the viewpoint in front of him. 

Well, let's connect the nerves and get the, as it were, Hell out of here. 

The nerves connect just as the dragon breaks the glass.

The dragon is left behind,  thankfully, but the ship slips into an even harder dive.

A rock clips him in the head, and he falls through the broken viewpoint.

Just before he hits the ground, he feels something slow his fall. 

See, he is the lucky drunk. Without that Feather Fall or whatever he would be having a very bad time.

He looks around. 

He is very, very lucky. 

He is currently on a river bank. 

Surrounding him are chunks of burning and smouldering ship. 

In front of him is Shadowheart, out cold. 

Further ahead is a rise in the land that he could climb to get a better view of his surroundings.

The problem with being the lucky drunk is all the other people who are the unlucky sober.

He whaps Shadowheart with the Wand of Cure Light Wounds.

She wakes with a start. "You're alive.  -- I'm alive. I didn't think that was possible."

"Yeah, that tends to happen."

"Well, it's better than the alternative."

"I'm going to hike up the hill and check for problems and then maybe when I get back we can work on getting me less confused!"

"I'll come with you.  We will want to find shelter, and even more we'll want to find a healer. These tadpoles will be a death sentence if we can't find anyone."

He walks up the hill. "So what is up with the tadpole situation?"

"In a few days, we will turn into a mind flayer. I can't speak from experience, but I can't imagine it will be pleasant."

"Mind flayers are those squid things?"

"You are from a different plane, aren't you? Yes, those 'squid things' are mind flayers."

"I'm from Golarion."

(Shadowheart will hear this as "the Cage.")

"I'm glad you got out then. You're in Toril now." He hears this as 'Cradle.'

"Hey! I like my home planet! I grew up there."

"I'm assuming it was named Cage for a reason."

".......ohhhhh yeah. Long story. Not one that personally affects me. --So I assume are there good reasons I don't want to have a squid for a face or is it just that it'd break the heart of every whore in Toril?"

"A mind flayer is 'you' in the same way a skeleton animated with your bones is 'you.'"

"Yeah, that seems bad."

"...wait, does that mean I have to kill the kiddo?"

"The... kiddo?"

"It's just what I started calling the tadpole. --It's a baby. Admittedly a weirdly authoritarian baby but a baby."

"... you've been talking to it." She is now questioning all her choices to throw her lot in with this man, but also she doesn't really have... choices. He can swing a sword, that will have to do. "You are going to have to choose between you and it,  I'm afraid." She raises an eyebrow.

"Does something bad happen if I talk to it?"

"Other than getting attached to the parasite that will kill you unless you kill it first? No,  nothing than I can think of."

It's not a parasite, it's an illithid-in-waiting, and therefore the third best form of life. Cayden should feel honoured.

Kiddo, what are the first and second best?

Cayden is pretty sure he can come up with some solution where neither he nor the kiddo is murdered but will keep this opinion to himself for party harmony. 

"What's your deal, Shadowheart? I saw that you had healing-- cleric?"

A full illithid is second best, and an elder brain is the greatest form of life in this cosmos.

"I'm a cleric yes, but I'm unfortunately not qualified to deal with our parasite problem. My superiors in Baldur's Gate may be,  but I am not confident we could reach them in time."

Tell me about 'em, kiddo. 

"Who are you a cleric of?"

It's unfortunately very baby and can't give a completely coherent account.

The elder brain is the ultimate Authority.

Evading the question will be obvious and suspicious. If she lies, she will be found out. It is possible but difficult to come up with a cover up more acceptable than the 'crime,' and she is on a time limit, and she was always better at secrets than lies.

But this man-- he's from a different plane, likely with different gods. 

It's a risk,  but she will take it. (If she fails, and loses an ally, and therefore loses her life and her soul-- she will have still served her goddess.)

"I worship Shar, the goddess of the night."

"Uh, cool. That one doesn't exist in my world so I have no idea what she's into."

"The night, mostly. We focus more on learning to heal the mind than the body,  as well."

They're at the top of the hill!

Visible things of interest:

- a dilapidated church with some people who are definitely meant to be there jiggling the lock

- a series of human sized wooden traps, all broken with great violence

- a fortified cave

- a guy in purple clothes skulking about the woods, looking very, very lost

- a glowing rune with a... hand sticking out of it?

- in the distance, a less dilapidated church near a stream

"O Person From This Plane, are any of these important? ...I guess maybe that guy lost in the woods needs to not be in the woods, forests kill people."

To the kiddo: you know, some things are even cooler than being in authority. 

The tadpole finds that idea fundamentally implausible.

Shadowheart squints towards the horizon, and makes a humming noise about the idea that forests kill people. "The furthest Church looks like it serves  Tyr, so they're not our worst bet. The cave looks like it has the highest population, so they'd be a good bet for looking for healers too."

"Forest guy, cave, furthest church? --Uh, do we care about the obvious robbery?"

"Do you particularly care?"

"I mean... if the church is doing good things and helping people, yeah? If they're Abadarans throwing people out of their homes in order to enrich their priests, not so much?"

"I don't think that church has been doing anything since my grandmother was young." It's an ambiguous time period, she's a half elf. "I think we have higher priorities."

"Cool. Forest guy."

Forest guy is about a 10 to 15 minute walk away.

Forest guy is a very pale elf, who is very much not dressed for running around in the woods. He's crouched next to a stand of trees.

"Hurry, I've got one of those brain things cornered. There, in the grass. You can kill it, can't you? Like you killed the others?"

"Yeah. --Uh, probably." Is it in fact an intellect devourer?

There does not appear to be an intellect devourer.

There does, however, appear to be a blade at his throat, and an elf trying to tackle him to the floor.

"Not okay, dude! I was trying to help!"

"Shh, not a word. Let's try to keep that lovely neck of yours in one piece, shall we?" He turns to Shadowheart. "And you-- keep your distance. No need for things to get messy."

"I need him alive. Stow that blade or you will see just how messy things can get."

"Promises, promises. I have more pressing business. Now, I saw you on the ship, didn't I?"

The way that Cayden's fighting works, as far as he can tell, is that the more cool stuff he does, the more luck he gets when he's doing even more cool stuff. And Cayden has been doing a lot of cool stuff today. 

Cayden twists, knocks the elf's feet out from under him, grabs the elf's sword, and points it at his throat.

"Tell me why I shouldn't kill you."

This was not meant to happen, this was so very much not meant to happen. "Well, I could try to spin this as proof I'd be an asset to whatever piratical kidnapping association you're from?"

The tadpole twists. You see a flash from his eyes-- prowling dark city streets, noises unnaturally loud in the night.

"What was-- they didn't take you, too?!"

"I have a tadpole in my brain. I have kidnapped people, but the kidnappees were always enthusiastic about it. While I've been a pirate in the past, right now I don't have a boat, because I have been on this plane for an hour, which is a fact that's leaving me confused about why you want to kill me specifically. Therefore, I'm suspicious you'd have tried to kill anyone who stopped by, including people who can't take care of themselves. Therefore, at present I'm inclined to run you through with a sword for being a bandit. So explain yourself."

This is called Deductive Reasoning. Cayden learned about it from wizards. 

"Trust me, no,  you're special. I saw you on the ship, and had every reason to believe you were working for the slimy little things."

Cayden drops his sword and offers the man a hand up. "Cayden Cailean."

"Astarion. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, if you'll let bygones by bygones."

"Not a problem. We've got a bit of a party going here-- Shadowheart's a cleric, I hit things with swords."

"Excellent, as long as no one starts flinging magic at us, we'll be fine."

"We're heading to the cave, Shadowheart needs healing. You?"

"Surprisingly uninjured for falling out of the sky, actually.  It's convenient."

"Well, you're welcome to come along if you don't have anywhere else to be."

Does he have anywhere else he needs to be? ...no. For this brief, shining moment, he gets to decide where he needs to be. 

It's heady.

"Strength in numbers is always good."

To the cave we go!

(It hasn't occurred to Cayden Cailean that he doesn't get to add people to the party unilaterally.)

Shadowheart has no objections, in any case. 

On the way to the cave, Cayden could choose to investigate the broken human-size traps, or the glowing rune with a hand sticking out of it. 

If there's one thing Cayden has learned in his life, it's that weird glowing runes are always interesting and it's always a good idea to poke them. 

The runes are glowing and fizzing erratically. The hand seems to be alive as well,  which is...interesting?

A man's voice: "A hand? Anyone?"

"If I pull you out are you going to try to murder me?"

There's a spluttering noise. "Why would I try to kill someone who just rescued me?"

"Gee, I wonder, Astarion."

Cayden attempts to yank the hand as a good first step.

And out pops a wizard! 

The sigil calms into something that's glowing but not sparking.

He stumbles out, picks himself up, and brushes off his robes. "Oof. I'm Gale, of Waterdeep. Apologies, I'm usually better than this."

"I'm in the same boat. Cayden Cailean, I stab things. Did you also get kidnapped by mind flayers and then fall out of an airship?"

"Yes! And then I tried to catch myself, which is how I found myself in the predicament you most kindly extracted me from."

"The fuck kind of spell did that?"

"It was an improvisational one, I'm afraid, on account of the fact I was in free fall at the time without feather fall prepared, when I saw a glimmer in the weave. I caught it, and, well, it caught me to."

Can wizards do improvisational spells? He talked to a wizard once and there was kind of a lot of math involved in making a spell. Maybe this is some weird kind of sorcerer. 

"Still pretty impressive!"

"I'm glad you think so! Though we do have more pressing problems than my arcane talents. If you were on that ship, I take it you also had an unwelcome intrusion in your ocular region?"

"Yep. Apparently it's going to turn me into a mind flayer, which I don't much fancy."

"Neither do I. You don't happen to be a cleric, by any chance? A doctor? Surgeon? Uncannily adroit with a knitting needle?"

"Shadowheart's our cleric, she said that there might be help... somewhere?" He turns to her. 

"It's beyond the skills of most clerics, and we'd best start looking soon."

"A lot of people seem to have fallen off that ship, so my plan is to go everywhere around here where something weird is happening, collect the people who fell off, and then try to figure out what to do about the mind flayer situation." (This hadn't been his plan until he said it.) "You guys can come if you want, or do your own thing."

"That sounds like an excellent idea."

She needs to get to Baldur's Gate in on piece, and without a squid for a face. Cayden has proven himself to be willing to help her, as a helpfully ignorant. "You'll need someone to keep you on your feet."

If he leaves, he's going to have to find his own way to get rid of the tadpole and not die in the woods. "I'll stick around, if it's all the same to you."

To the traps!

There is a whole row of them, and they all look like someone has broken them. With a sword. From the inside.

Concerning!

He pokes his head in a trap. Carefully.

There's nothing in there at the moment. 

Any signs of the thing out here?

There's a lot of foot prints around. It looks like whatever was in there ran away and was pursued by a group.

"Do we want to follow the footprints?"

"Ugh, it's probably someone who got into trouble, and then they'll want us to help them.  Or it's a goblin and then we'll have to deal with that."

"I mean, yeah, that's the idea. The helping, not the goblin."

Why are the people who don't want to murder him helpful?! "Well, if that's your idea of a good time."

He looks around at the other members of his proto-party.

"In either case, either we help someone, or we help some people deal with goblins, and either would be a good use of our time."

Two yeses, one no, and one neutral. Basically a majority. He sets off in the path of the footprints.

On the way, Cayden Cailean introduces himself to his party. He's human, but he's not from this plane, so forgive him for being very stupid. (He's generally a really stupid person but not being from this plane will make it worse.) He's Chaotic Neutral. Here is the list of gods he sometimes worships. He stabs things with swords. He used to be much better at stabbing things with swords, but then the illithids happened, so if he falls on his ass trying to do a cartwheel in combat this is actually something that was a good idea three days ago and he hasn't broken the habit yet. When he's not stabbing things, he likes drinking and gambling and singing and drinking and whoring and the theater and drinking. 

...An easy mark. A mark so easy he doesn't see anything wrong with admitting it.

For the first time in his life, someone up there has to be smiling down on him. 

Another plane? Fascinating!

"I don't mean to pry, but were any of those gods and goddesses responsible for magic on your plane."

The density of foot prints is getting higher. Whatever has been breaking these traps has caught the attention of increasing numbers of people.

... that bodes well.

"Nethys is the god of magic. He likes it when things go boom. --Never been one for him myself, I prefer to be far from the booms."

Aww, no one to talk shop with. "A very understandable preference."

The reach a steep sided valley.

One of the wooden traps has been suspended in the air as a cage, and in it is-- the woman from the ship?

A group of tieflings with spears surrounds the cage.

"The thing is dangerous, we should leave it for the goblins to kill--"

"And what if it escapes?"

She looks right at Cayden.

The tadpole squirms in response, and he hears her voice clearly in his mind. 

You again. Get rid of them. 

Someone he knows is in a cage.

Cayden sees red and his blood rushes in his ears. 

He begins to take the most direct route from where he is towards the woman, and woe betide anyone who gets in his way. 

The tieflings are armed and armoured. They're trained, too.

But they're militia trained. Grabbed because they were able bodied and adult and given a week and a spear.

Cayden is not a very good fighter right now.

Cayden is infinitely better than them. 

Astarion runs in behind and takes out one of them while Cayden has her flanked. 

Shadowheart casts something, and Cayden feels all his attacks get just a little bit better.

Gale shoots a fire-y missile at the support holding the cage above the ground. It falls and crashes open, letting Lae'zel out. 

He runs up to Lae'zel. "Do they have anything scary or just the tieflings?"

"This whole place is swarming with tieflings. --And humans, and goblins."

"OK, let's run for it."

Gale is looking down at the corpses. "Where exactly are we planning on running too?"

"Well, there weren't any tieflings back where we came from, right?"

The sun is getting lower. 

"I'm not saying we can't camp next to the smouldering wreckage-- I guess if we find somewhere not too flammable."

"Guess it depends on whether they'll think the smouldering wreckage is scary and stay away or plunder and loot it."

"There are worse places to set up camp."

To the smouldering wreckage!

Cayden continues his quest to apply his charisma to cause any of his party members to dispense facts about their personalities, histories, preferences, abilities, likelihood of stabbing Cayden, etc. Do any of his party members seem particularly talkative?

Gale is the most traditionally talkative! If, you know, Cayden particularly wants to talk about the finer points of academic Weave manipulation and how to maximise Tenser's disc to affectively utilise the force action potential.

Or Astarion is a little less talkative, but he's much more interested in Cayden. As a person. ...in a specific way.

Oh thank God he desperately needs to get laid after today.

That said these are arrangements that are better made once camp is pitched. 

Gale it is! 

"I will warn you I only mostly followed the wizards' explanation of topology."

"That's better than most, I can assure you! Though I am intrigued that wizards from your planet are using topology--"

Cayden can stumble through an explanation of topology and its magical applications!

He's clearly (a) very smart and (b) absolutely unaware of this fact, instead believing that basic topology is easily mastered by anyone who happens to be bored while guarding a caravan. 

This man is a waste to the fighting profession. He should have met him sooner, when he could have convinced him to be a wizard.

Other wizards dabble in various branches of mathematics, but he always found complex analysis the best tool available.

Cayden has no idea what complex analysis is! Can Gale tell him about it?

At some point in this process it comes up that he can't read. 

He would love to explain complex analysis! (Astarion would like him to shut up about it, but he doesn't count.)

... how has this man been taught topology without learning to read. Has he been cursed, perhaps?

"Never saw much point to it. The party wizard can read the contracts."

...

...

...

"I guess that's true."

Now that rapport has been established Cayden would like to subtly guide the conversations towards topics like "how powerful is Gale?" and "what kind of magic does Gale specialize in?" and "what has Gale's adventuring looked like in the past?" and "civilians: how do you treat them?" and "what does Gale think of women?"

Gale was once fairly powerful! ... not at the moment. Unfortunately.

He's a bit of a Renaissance caster. He could never hold himself to the beauty of just one field. 

He looks Uncomfortable about the adventuring question. He has adventured in the past, and wasn't planning to do it again, but, well, here he is. If he wants to keep his head his own and not explode in a mass of tentacles, he's going to have to take up his staff again.

As someone who has spent most of his life as a civilian, he's very much in favour of them staying in one piece.

His best friend and closest confidante is a woman, and the goddess he follows is a women. Gale Dekarios: pro civilians, pro women.

Cayden makes sympathetic noises about the plight of the teleport wizard, forced to adventure again when all he wants is to be phenomenally wealthy and study complex analysis.

"Who's your goddess?"

"Mystra, goddess of the Weave." Gale wears only a single piece of jewellery, a compass rose ear stud. He can't be sure,  but it certainly looks like a holy symbol.

"Let me guess. She's into magic, discovering new things, and enormous explosions."

He laughs.  "Not so much the latter-- though she isn't strictly against the latter either."

Okay sure he's met Nethysians and he'll believe it when Gale doesn't appreciate things blowing up. 

Making sure that the rest of the party is out of earshot, he asks "Do you know anything about Vlaakith or Shar?"

"I don't know much about Vlaakith that isn't hearsay, but what is said isn't complimentary." He looks a little alarmed. "Why are you asking about Shar secretly?"

"...if you look that alarmed by me secretly asking about it I should maybe keep my reasons secret! I don't, like, have a plan to worship her or anything." Assuming she's not Desna. 

"I would highly recommend not worshipping her. -- You know she's the Lady of Loss?"

"Your planet's gods seem to have almost no overlap with my planet's gods, although I guess I can't rule out that you have fucking, I don't know, Gorum or Abadar or Zon-Kuthon."

"I have never heard those names. --I am glad you asked, at least."

How would Cayden have heard about Shar? There was a limited amount of time between when they were both on the ship and when Cayden rescued him. Lae'zel is unlikely: Githyanki don't go much for gods, and she would be why he's asking about Vlaakith.

This leaves three possibilities:

1. A mysterious stranger

2. Astarion (not exactly the prosocial type from what he's seen).

3. Shadowheart (a known cleric who is wearing no obvious holy symbol.)

He hates all these possibilities.

"Okay, so, Lady of Loss, what's she up to?"

"When the world was young, she went to some effort to prevent the creation of the sun and moon and all other light sources. She created the Shadow Weave-- and even if I was not personally biased by my relationship with Mystra, I would disapprove of that. 

But on a less mythic level-- her followers can get quite proactive about causing loss in their Lady's Name."

Concerning!

"And Vlaakith?"

"I'll admit, I don't know much about her. Leader of the Githyanki. Presumably the one putting them up to all the raiding."

"What are githyanki? I don't think I've met one before."

"Oh, you have." He nods towards Lae'zel. (Lae'zel is currently watching Shadowheart so, so suspiciously.)

"Huh. It's weird there's only one species I don't recognize, I'd honestly expect less species overlap on a completely different planet. --What's their deal?"

Cayden has a broadminded attitude towards raids. Many times, the people being raided started it. 

"I know less about them than I'd like." Gale sounds like he knows less about all topics than he'd like. "They live in the Astral Plane, raid the Prime Material on occasion, seem to have some sort of deal with red dragons, and hate mind flayers." 

Oh! Weird kind of fairy. That makes sense. 

The bit about Shar is worrying but with the way she was throwing around heals Shadowheart is probably morally Neutral? An Evil caster wouldn't be so casual with them. 

Cayden will talk about magic until they start setting up camp, and then go find Astarion. 

Gale has so much to say about magic. And also youthful indiscretions involving magic, like that one time he went to limbo accidentally...

They camp on the shores of the river.

Gale has put himself in charge of the cooking.

Lae'zel has put herself in charge of guarding the camp. (Read: mostly acting really suspicious about Shadowheart, who seems to be praying as the sun sets.)

Astarion has put himself in charge of Doing Nothing At All. 

Can he put himself in charge of gathering firewood if Cayden is over here making a point of how he's Going Over Here To Gather Some Firewood?

They have known each other for all of six hours. Some of that was spent by Astarion trying and failing to open his neck up. 

And now Cayden is blatantly flirting.

It's so convenient. 

"Oh, if you must insist." 

"I can't carry all this by myself in my newly weakened state."

"Obviously, you need a big strong city boy to help." Astarion is not strong looking at all. He has this half starved look of a dancer who doesn't eat so they can do flips better. 

"If you find one of them, let me know."

"We'll just lounge around while we get him to do all the actual work." 

"Once I was the big strong city boy who helped out the pretty dancers, but no longer... All my strength has abandoned me..."

"We're just going to have to make sure you get your strength back."

"Do you have some proposals about how to do that?"

Astarion is now very much in his personal space. "I'm assuming you took me out to gather firewood because you had an idea yourself." Even if he hadn't, it's so much easier when you make them think it's their idea. 

If Astarion wanted Cayden to think it was his own idea Astarion should have been less obvious. 

"Well, I do think a cold bedroll probably wouldn't be very helpful for my sleep..."

Does Cayden need any personal space? Astarion doesn't think so. "And heaven forfend our fighter is anything less than well rested." 

"Buy a girl a drink first."

"I'll just have to pine while I'm waiting for us to get back to civilisation." C'MON. If he's serious-- This plan was working so well! And okay, he can wait a few days, there's no reason to panic yet. But still. 

"If you don't have a drink then I can provide and you'll just have to tell me a story." 

"I'd love to say I am the sort of person to keep wine on my person at all times,  but unfortunately." He looks up at Cayden from under his eyelashes. (He's tall for an elf, that doesn't mean much when he's standing next to a human.) "What do you want to know?"

"Well, how did a beautiful boy like you wind up in a smouldering wreck like this?"

Oh! A nice easy question! He doesn't have to make up a sympathetic sounding past. He laughs.  "I'd love to know myself! I was asleep when they took me."

"Between jobs or found a place where the cops couldn't catch you?"

"Oh, the Fists were never looking in that hole."

"--you can't set me up like that."

He laughs. "Oh Gods, I did, didn't I?"

"Trade you a kiss for the story of the best time you showed the Fists up?"

"I don't know if any of my stories would be exciting enough for your tastes. Can't try to catch what you don't know is there." He's treading a dangerous line, but dodging would be more dangerous. He can be harmlessly rogue-ish. He's good at playing that. 

"Well, then, you'll just have to pick your own story and I'll judge if it's kiss-worthy."

"I did have a few run ins. They didn't spend much time on the clock where I operated-- not part of their charter, you know-- but they did like going there off the clock. The good news is that the fabric their uniforms are made of fetch a pretty penny. The annoying news is that it takes so much time to take the symbols off them to actually sell it."

Cayden kisses him. 

Astarion is a good kisser. This is a kiss from someone who has worked out how to optimise kissing, and how to cold read someone based on how they kiss.

Cayden is also a good kisser, but more of the paying-close-attention-and-wants-you-to-be-happy kind.

Well, this is going to be a problem, because they're both going to end up in a loop of trying to follow what the other is going. 

Cayden should have some preference, actually. And express them with his tongue.

The real question here is who has the higher Sense Motive Kissing Preferences. 

Cayden is pretty sure it's Cayden.

Ah, but Astarion has a fairly high Kiss Deception. (Why does he have this skill? Don't worry about it.)

If Cayden just going to let him do what he wants,  he may as well take the initiative. How does he feel about biting.

"I don't care that you used to sell sex but I don't want to fuck a party member who's going to treat me like a john."

Oh, fucking for money would be infinitely more virtuous than what he did. "Do you think I don't want to do this? I didn't trip and fall into flirting with you."

"So kiss me like it matters whether you're having a good time, so I don't have to sit here worrying about how I'm going to pay you with all the money I don't have."

The point of this exercise is getting the leader of this little party to like him, to value his continued existence up and walking about. And if all that takes is doing whatever the Hells he wants? Oh, he can do that. 

He kisses hungrily, all teeth and tongue, like he's trying to find if there's a point where Cayden goes 'No, that's too much, I didn't mean it like that--'

Thank you. 

This is clearly not straightforwardly two friends having a good time together but Cayden isn't that picky. Also, he desperately needs to do something with his body until he can't think and being hungover is bad for fighting readiness.

After a bit, he says, "tonight?"

"Certainly."

Cayden heads back to the camp with the firewood.

Attempts to find out how much food they had between them and cut it into cookable portions have derailed.

Lae'zel and Shadowheart have weapons drawn, and Gale is in the middle with his staff trying to stop them from attacking each other. 

"What's going on?"

"She has a githyanki relic. I need an explanation, or her head."

"You need neither."

He clearly miscalculated which party members he should get to know first.

"Lae'zel, can you explain what her having a githyanki relic means?"

"That she stole it!"

"Hah, like your people hadn't stolen it first."

"I'm sure we can settle this like reasonable people--"

Shadowheart and Lae'zel both give him looks, and he immediately quails.

"I'm from a different planet and I'm very stupid, if someone could explain what's going on like I'm a four-year-old I would really appreciate it."

"She has something that is not hers. She refuses to give it to who it does belong to, or even explain why she has it."

"If someone has dwarf-made boots, I'd normally assume they paid for them or got them as a gift. I'm not saying I don't believe it's different, but help me understand why."

"Why would we give a relic to a--" she says a word that to his ring of tongues parses as "non-Githyanki [derogatory]."

"Okay. So Lae'zel thinks that no one would give a githyanki relic to someone who isn't a githyanki, so the fact that Shadowheart has it means that it was stolen, and also it's sort of... collective githyanki cultural property...? So it should be returned to the nearest githyanki. Is that right?"

"I will take it to the nearest creche, where we need to go to be cleansed of the parasites."

"--Shadowheart, do you want to talk privately with me?"

"If we can trust this one not to stab me in the back."

"If anyone stabs anyone before I get this sorted out I will stab them."

"Chk." She does seem largely willing to hold off on the stabbing.

Cayden walks with Shadowheart out of Lae'zel's earshot.

"I'm going to assume that you don't want to talk because this has something to do with Shar, whom Gale informs me is the Lady of the Loss. I don't know if Shar is Evil or just worshipped by the kind of people that the people in power tend not to like. Even if she is, there are-- reasons people worship Evil gods that don't mean anything bad about them personally. And even if you are Evil my top priority right now is that none of us turn into people with squid heads, so I'm inclined to put aside our differences and work together as long as you are. You have no reason to believe me about any of this, I know, and-- it turns out that my reputation is a lot more frustrating not to have than my ability to do backflips in combat, I also just ran into this problem with Astarion--

"I know a lot of people who pray to Nocticula, demon lord of lust, because getting a man to want you pays the rent. A lot of people who pray to Lamashtu, goddess of cripples and monsters, because-- it's not like any of the Good gods like monsters, not really, sometimes you know the Good gods would as soon decapitate people like you as look at them. Myself, I used to pray to Norgorber, god of crime, now and again, when I didn't have enough to eat, and being able to pick a pocket meant I would have dinner tonight and a drink with friends."

... that isn't the reaction she expected. Though it's good, she can explain why Shar is worthy of worship without him dismissing her out of hand. 

"It's true I'm not saying something, and it is because of my goddess, but I actually can't talk about it." She squares her shoulders. "I know it is vitally important that the artifact gets to my superiors in Baldur's Gate. I know it is important that the mission could not be compromised, by interrogation or torture or by speaking with the dead. So I have had all my memories locked away except for those absolutely necessary, so it cannot be compromised."

"...That explains why you're so cryptic."

"It has its upsides and downsides."

"...This is the kind of problem I'm bad at solving. Could you two just, like, flip a coin for it?"

She looks doubtful. "Think through it. You have someone who's only claim to it is by her birth, who also tried to leave me to die on that ship. You also have someone who has an important mission relating to it, that was given to her by a God."

"-- It's true powerful people dislike Shar. Powerful people don't need Shar. They have enough that they can grasp onto it and pretend they'll never lose it. The powerless-- those who have little to lose and no way to avoid losing more? They worship Shar. The ones who have lost everything, family and home and reason to keep living? They worship Shar. Those that have had something so terrible happen that the only option is to forget? They worship Shar. And my lady helps them."

Is Shar Calistria or Lamashtu, is the problem. 

If he were a song-sorcerer he would be so much better at this. 

"Come back with me to the group."

She follows.

"The plan I want to propose," Cayden says, "is that Gale holds the relic until we get the tadpoles out of our faces, at which point he will put it down equally distant from the two of you and you two can kill each other for it."

She smiles at Gale. "Gale, any objections to going to Baldur's Gate?" 

Gale looks very unsure. "It seems like a place that will likely have qualified healers--"

She's still smiling as she hands over the artifact-- and its a brittle thing, sharp and all teeth. "You know what will happen if you lose this, correct?"

There's a buzz in the air, like just before a lightning strike, as he takes the artifact. He looks deeply uncomfortable,  but it's in his hands now.

Lae'zel is also not pleased at being overruled, but she knows she cannot win a three on one fight. 

"Sorry to fuck you over, Gale, but of you, me, and Astarion you're clearly the most honorable."

"... I'll take that in the complimentary spirit it's intended."

"Oh, you wound me. ... and yourself."

"Astarion you have many wonderful qualities but 'won't steal the githyanki relic and sell it to the highest bidder' is not one of them."

"I hate being described accurately," he jokes. 

"Seriously, though-- in order to have any chance of not turning into mindflayers, we need to work together. You can't be trying to kill each other or we're all going to die. If either of you pulls any shit, the other one is definitely going to get the relic, because I'll have sliced open your throat and left you bleeding by the side of the road. Am I understood."

Lae'zel and Shadowheart share a look that seems to be calculating the likelihood of them being able to take on both their rival and Cayden at once,  but they both seem to decide that they can't.

"Understood."

"Good." He sits. "I have a bottle of excellent Elvish whiskey that is literally impossible to otherwise obtain on this planet, which I am happy to share with anyone who didn't attempt to kill a party member in the last 24 hours."

"... how are we defining that?"

"Gale!"

"I wouldn't say no to a good tipple. Wouldn't say no to waiting another day to share with more people, but it's your whiskey."

"I get to drink. Astarion gets to drink because it was a misunderstanding and we weren't party members then. Gale... maybe gets to drink...? I did not observe you trying to kill anyone."

"Blackstaff's honour,  I have attempted no murders today."

"He's right, annoyingly."

"Good. Drinks for Gale and Astarion." He drinks a swig, passes it to Gale, and then contemplates the food.

The party collectively has a semi random assortment of fruit, vegetables and cured meats. 

Gale takes a swig. "It seems elves across all planets make good liquor." He hands it to Astarion.

"Of course we do." And back to Cayden.

And Cayden puts it away because he has learned a valuable lesson about hangovers. 

Is the food... tolerable?

It's nothing special, but it's definitely edible.

Cayden has a small jar of mixed herbs and spices which he'll also pass around. 

He was already dead facto leader of the party, but he has now cemented his hold over them all. With spices. 

It is honestly disturbing there's no one better suited for it.

All right, conversation. How does the story of the time Cayden got blacklisted from the Duchy of Westcrown go over? It's a great story and he can do a great impression of the asshole who hired him. 

The general plot of the story: Cayden was hired to find and return the Duke of Westcrown's concubine. After a series of shenanigans, he discovers the girl had been consensually kidnapped by a powerful wizard who was her childhood best friend. Cayden managed to get her out by the skin of his teeth (at one point he bluffed that he could parry symbol of pain). It turned out that the Duke was beating and raping his wife and all his concubines, and Cayden just felt awfuller and awfuller about returning her. He was invited to the banquet to celebrate her return, at which point he got extremely drunk, stole the Duke of Westcrown's Bag of Holding, stabbed him, and fled with the wife and all the concubines crammed into the Bag of Holding and holding their breaths.

The original kidnapee's a wizard now. They get dinner together when he's in town.

The story goes down very well! Lae'zel and Gale are particularly impressed, and Astarion has a faint air of plotting.

Can he smile charmingly until someone else provides an adventuring anecdote or is maintaining the morale of this party entirely on him?

Gale has a fun anecdote from his Misspent Youth. To whit: he once tried to use the famous Blackstaff to teleport to his dormitory, accidentally went to Limbo and got attacked by a death slaad and had to get rescued. He was a first year at the time. 

Lae'zel has picked up that these stories involve tales of skill in their pasts. 

She tells a story of how she proved herself the best sword fighter of her generation in Creche K'liir. It just that it involved killing someone, and that someone sounds like he was 12 at the time, and it sounds like she was too?

Instant determination to protect Lae'zel with his life. 

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"...no reason."

Cayden has never heard of a death slaad! Gale, please tell them more about death slaads. 

Slaads! They are frog like creatures created from the primordial chaos of Limbo. They live for freedom-- and death slaads are the biggest and meanest and only thing that an ordinary slaad will follow orders from. 

Very interesting!

Now they should all get to sleep. Busy day tomorrow. 

It'll be a busy day of finding a healer and not dying of squid! Everyone goes to sleep. 

Astarion stays up. 

The exact place Astarion is staying up is a little farther away than Cayden's really comfortable with but eh. Maybe he's shy. Good for him to have a preference. 

Oh. Oh this is going to be too easy. 

Wow, this is exactly what Cayden needed after today. Hits the spot both metaphorically and literally.

[Explicit version here.]

Astarion prides himself on his skills, thank you very much. 

(Cayden might notice that he has raised scars on his back. Astarion isn't going to draw attention to them.)

Cayden is far too polite to comment on someone's scars, thank you. 

Correct choice!

Astarion has never bitten someone before. Is it possible to do it subtly? Probably not-- but he's never going to get a better opportunity than this. 

Whatever the tadpole has done has broken his connection to Cazador. What's the worst he can do, if he ever finds him again?

He has regretted it every time he has thought "what is the worst Cazador can do?"

If this leads to him being staked, at least he'll die knowing the taste of blood.

Chomp.

"Sorry, that's a little rougher than I like-- oooh--"

"What are you doing?"

Cayden is delicious. He can see why Cazador was so proprietary.

Also: he did not think this through.

He doesn't want to let go but if he doesn't, he is getting staked.

He's just going to swallow all the blood in his mouth, let go, and hope Cayden can't see his own neck. "Mmm?"

Cayden touches his neck. He's bleeding. 

"What kind of weird shit are you?"

He doesn't know what a vampire spawn is! Excellent! He is not getting staked tonight.

"Oh, shit, I didn't think that would break skin."

"Astarion, I'm not that much of an idiot. That's not what normal biting feels like." 

Cayden should be choking Astarion or going for his sword, but instead what Cayden seems to be doing is holding Astarion close to his chest and petting his hair.

This is still not the reaction he was expecting. He can't complain though. ...Unless Cayden is setting him up to be blackmailed, which he very well could be. But he can live with a little black mail.

"What answer do you want?"

"...you're just a scared kid, aren't you?"

"I am significantly older than you, thank you very much."

Cayden is very warm.

"...do you need it?"

Ugh, he's going to have to be honest. "Define 'need.' I need blood not to starve. I've lasted this long on rats and flies, but--" It's awkward gesturing while balanced on someone's chest. 

"Bear in mind that if I can't fight well not only are you down one fighter, but Lae'zel and Shadowheart are going to try to kill each other, so you'll be down either the other fighter or the healer and also there's no guarantee that the one that survives is the one with the good plan for tadpole removal."

He puts his wrist to Astarion's mouth.

At no point did he expect this. He expected to steal, he didn't expect to be gifted. He smiles. "You're far too kind."

He bites.

It still tastes heady and rich, and he can focus on it properly without worrying about being caught.

It's like introducing a starving man to meat, after a life of water and gruel and not enough of it. 

He is never, ever letting go.