...He does not need to put that last stat point into WIZ. He could put it off for longer, get more prepared. He still has quests he hasn't done! He could still get stronger, better at everything except magic.

But. At some point he is going to have to do it. It's necessary. And-- he doesn't feel ready, but he can't see a way he could get more ready. He is something resembling a functional human. He is, he hopes, more than just resembling a functional sex wizard.

He puts two more points into ART, because that's falling behind a bit. And two more into NOV, so as not to disappoint the dolphins.

And that last point--

-- He still has some more prep to do.

He tries to call his sister, but he can't face dialling the number, and getting stuck like that is happening less but it's still happening, and it's a bad habit to avoid it but right now it just isn't happening...

...he writes a letter to her. One to Wei Wuxian too. They're different, but similar in tone and content.

He needs to do the Ordeal. He can't keep putting it off any longer. He is definitely going to try not to die, but he can't make any promises. He loves them so much and he doesn't want to even risk leaving them, but he made a promise to the world and he has to keep it.

Chris Parker gets a letter to.  It's emotionally easier to write-- he loves him, but they're not as close-- but logistically harder. Reverend Parker definitely humours him about the wizard stuff, but he can't exactly explain the ordeal to him. And he would like to not worry him and make him call the police?Especially because it seems... mean... to make the police look for you when you might not even be on this plane of existence. But still. He deserves to know. The letter says there is something he has to do, and it's hard to explain, but it is deeply important to him. It probably won't kill him, and he'll be doing his best to avoid dying, but... it's a possibility. And if he stops showing up to his session and he can't be called or texted or whatever... that's probably why. He gives it Wen Qing, to give to him if he misses his next scheduled session.

And once all the letters are in the hands of the right people...

...he goes up to WIZ 20.

Nothing happens. 

...He was honestly expecting something more dramatic. (Still not looking at the floor,  just in case.)

He starts cleaning his counters, because they may as well be clean for his Ordeal?

The counters are clean!

did you get eaten by the Lone Power yet

So far, no?

...I'm kind of scared to open my door, though.

is the Lone Power a vampire? are they repelled by doors

I mean, everything is normal in my apartment now, but maybe it's waiting for me outside? Or on the floor. The manual did say to not look down.

I think I should get to do it with you. if you're a love wizard. you love me

I love you, and so i would feel bad if you also died?

I guessssssss

...I do wish you could help.

Well when I become a wizard I won't let you help on my Ordeal either. So there. 

I'll just have to send you a care package.

A spell has been created by a special action! Accepting the Ordeal has created the spell Pentex Sight.

Manual//Spells//Pentex Sight

Active. When you cast this spell, products manufactured by Pentex Corporation will be lit with a purple glow. You may touch them to discover how the Lone Power has influenced them. 

The name 'Pentex' tickles his brain.  He's definitely heard it somewhere before.

...I think I might have to find my own ordeal. I have a Lone Power detection spell.

He casts the spell. ... please tell him his doorknob has not been corrupted by the Lone Power.

His doorknob has not been influenced by the Lone Power!

...there is some purple wafting from his mailbox though. 

He is a functional human being he will sort through his mail, even if it has an aura of evil.

The aura of evil is, specifically, drifting from a bill from his insurance company and mailers from the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and Parents 4 Freedom. 

Okay, he can see how insurance saps the world of joy,  but... an AIDS charity?

He texts Wei Wuxian: the AIDs Healthcare Foundation has an aura of evil?

...for context I have a spell now that can detect the Lone Power's influence. On AIDs charities.

He pokes the envelope.

The AIDS Healthcare Foundation advocates against prep, calling it a "party drug" which encourages people to have anonymous and unprotected sex. It also campaigns for laws banning unprotected sex in pornography, despite protests from porn actors that using condoms poses health and safety issues. Their pro-condom advertising encourages serophobic stigma against HIV-positive people. Further, they overbill the government for HIV treatment, underpay and overwork their staff, use their power to shut down smaller HIV/AIDS organizations, and threaten to sue people who disagree with them. In recent years, it has shifted towards advocating for NIMBY housing policies.

Most of its funding comes from Pentex. 

... thank you Pentex. Real helpful activities there.

Very ginger finger poke of Freedom 4 Parents. It's... probably worthwhile knowing...

Parents 4 Freedom is a group of "parents' rights" advocates. Their causes include:

-Abstinence-only sex education
-The removal of all potentially controversial books from school libraries and curricula
-No mention of LGBT+ people in schools
-No access to social or medical transition for trans youth
-No medical or psychological confidentiality for youth

They plan to roll out a free "character education" program in schools which contains subliminal mind control intended to make children obedient and joyless. 

They are mostly funded by grants from the Pentex Foundation. 

...Okay. So, magic being real means that the mind control is not a surprise, as such, but. Uh. That's definitely a problem. That he might have to fix on his own.

Also, mind control is real. So that's. Something.

The universe has a vague aura of "the fuck did you expect, dude."

Maybe after the ordeal he will be more qualified to deal with this?

Probably the best way to find the ordeal is to find the biggest source of Lone Power...ness. He heads out the door.

He walks past a middle-aged woman. "--I found this sex board game and it's really livened up our sex life, my husband and I haven't had sex this wonderful since we had children--"

A teenage boy talking to his friends: "Look, if you want a stuffed animal, you want a stuffed animal. I don't see why anyone else should have shit to say about it."

Two twentysomethings: "Did you hear the aquarium and the petting zoo are both free now? Yeah, someone donated to it."

Two things could have happened here.

One: Due to generally being happier and taking the effort to cultivate joy, he is more aware of other people's joy.

This would explain the first two things.

Two: WIZ 20, baby!

...if increasing his WIZ has managed to make this many people's lives slightly better, it's worth it. He won't die happy, because he would still very much like to avoid dying, but... it wouldn't have been a stupid risk.

There is a miasma of purple coming from that bookstore over there!

There's worse places to have an ordeal?

To the bookstore! To find out why it is evil!

Cosmo's cover says "fifty ways to get YOUR motor going!" The bookstore has also put out an array of fidget spinners, stuffed animals, and similar, alongside a display of books with titles like The Dangerous Book For Children and YOU Can Learn To Sew!

...he broke Cosmo. The other ones could in theory be in a non-magically influenced bookshop, but the Cosmo editorial policies wouldn't change that fast on their own?

...he's not sure how to feel about that. Presumably some people liked old Cosmo? On the other hand, less magazines in the form of "you are deeply inadequate in bed: women's edition" is probably good.

If he was an evil publishing corporation, what books would he publish? ...self help. Any ominious purple miasma from the self help section?

Indeed there is!

Specifically, there is omnious miasma around the productivity books, the diet books, and about twenty percent of the relationship advice books.

...Sounds about right. Are they all published by the same company, or a mix of companies?

They are published by various subsidiaries of the same company. 

That sounds about right. Thanks, Pentex.

Any non-self help miasma?

Yes! Over here at strategy books about the game Trial for Champions!

Isn't that a video game? Not sure how a video game could be evil, but apparently.

...gentle poke?

The most popular game of Rebellion, a Pentex subsidiary, is Trial for Champions. Trial for Champions is deliberately engineered to maximize addictiveness while minimizing fun. Its matching mechanism is designed to maximize players' anger at each other, creating a frankly abusive playing community. The harassment is bad enough without the racism, sexism, and homophobia. Its lootbox mechanics encourage people to spend far more money than they intended to on the game. Their employees are in constant crunch time and are underpaid relative to the industry standard; the burnout rate is immense. 

Oh, now he remembers! Wen Chao used to play that all the time.

...possibly still does.

And he'd say that it would explain a lot about him, but. Uh. He probably still would be the way he is, though TfC cannot be helping.

Note to self: improve world by ?having sex?  with the ?CEO? in such a way that the ?servers get shut down?

There is some purple miasma from the newspapers over there! And from the textbooks!

Poke of the newspapers and textbooks?

This newspaper runs stories that scare people in order to keep them from doing things they want to do! In particular, it terrifies parents into being helicopter parents so their children don't get to have fun or explore the world, and terrifies women about having casual sex. 

These textbooks were deliberately written to be as boring as possible so that people would think that knowledge is boring and not take pleasure in the world as it is. 

That tracks, with what he knows about newspapers.

... this is reconceptualising his schooling. (That's the latest editions of his high school maths textbooks. He remembers using them vividly! But not fondly!)

He has looked at all the purple miasma in the bookstore. 

He's spent enough time browsing in here that he should really buy something to be polite. But he would like to avoid anything expensive or... evil...

He buys a copy of the broken Cosmo.

Is there any ominous purple miasma in places nearby the bookstore?

He doesn't get a chance to discover this, because instead someone grabs him from behind and puts a cloth over his face.

It smells of ether. 

Okay, yep, this seems more traditionally Ordeal-y.

Its hard to struggle to stay conscious and struggle to escape at the same time.

He fails at both.

He wakes up in a cell with a locked and barred door. 

First step: he is not looking at the floor. So not looking at the floor. He remembers the instructions.

Second step: it's almost certainly not going to work, but he would feel very silly if he at least did not try the door. ...yep, that's locked.

Third step: check his manual to see if it's updated?

Nothing interesting in the manual!

But at least it's still there! It would be bad if he had lost it... somehow...

"H-hello?"

A woman's voice says, "Cosmo magazine? Really? The planet's primary agent of the fundamental forces of joy in the universe reads Cosmo?"

"The planet's primary agent for the forces of joy--" feels weird about "--doesn't like going into bookstores without buying anything." ... that's much weirder than just straightforwardly reading the thing,  isn't it?

"How supportive of small businesses."

The woman enters the room. She is tiny, delicate, fragile. She looks like you could snap her in half with your hand. She looks very innocent, except for her smile, which is not innocent at all.

No one ever told him the social script for being kidnapped! "Nice to meet you?"

She is... very pretty. And he would probably think that even if he didn't think all adult humans were pretty.

"The proper thing for a wizard to say is 'I am on errantry and I greet you.' Or did your manual not teach you that?"

Right. Yes. That is what he would have said, if he wasn't flustered by people who could step on him taking him to places against his will.

He should not reveal his hand too much. That seems like it's probably 'Surviving Being Kidnapped 101.' "Maybe I feel like being polite in a normal way."

"Interesting. What have you guessed about why you're here?"

"--Either this is the Ordeal... or you're weirdly informed about wizards but not that informed and I'm just saying words that don't mean anything to you."

"Well, it's the Ordeal for the One. For me, it's my best chance to convince you that wizardry is, mm, not the best life choice for you. Have you heard the phrase 'magic does not live in the unwilling heart'?"

Something else he can guess: she really doesn't know about his life before if she thinks that wizardry isn't his best life choice. ...Not that he's going to say that. He's going to show it, and then sweep her off her feet.

"Not in particular, but it's not a surprising phrase."

"The One cares about consent, and freedom, and all of that. So if you don't want to be a wizard, you won't be one anymore. My job is to convince you that you don't want to be a wizard."

On the one hand: good luck with that. He has seen the world improve because he is a wizard. In small ways, yes, but real ones. And if he's allowed to be selfish, his life has improved too.

On the other: his spine has improved, but it's gone from 'wet tissue paper' to 'soggy pizza box.' He is realistic about her ability to convince him.

"...o-okay?"

"Honestly, I'm not impressed by the One's decisions here. Of all the people in all the world, the single one who's best suited to be her Champion is... you?"

"The One works in mysterious ways?"

"Have you actually accomplished anything in your entire life before becoming a wizard?"

"--I got a good grade in speech therapy?" A thing that is normal to want, possible to achieve, and definitely true, don'tlookatdoctorWang'snotes. But it's either that or 'graduated high school, ' so. "And I have achieved things afterwards?"

"So you have. You know that you caused Cosmo to run that article?"

"I'd guessed as much." Nice to have the confirmation?

"We used our magic to backtrace it. The editor commissioned the article because she saw the nude you took where you fucked yourself with a Bad Dragon dildo, and it made her realize that she liked fantasy dicks, and that made her want to run an article about how everyone should find what they individually like."

...wHAT. "That's... not the reason I expected?" he squeaked.

...oh no. If they traced how it happened, there is a good chance that she, uh, has personally seen it. Oh no.

"The only reason I can think of for choosing you is your abs but the One can already make people have abs as defined as she chooses."

YEP, SHE'S SEEN IT.

IF A HOLE COULD OPEN UP IN THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW,  THAT WOULD BE CONVENIENT.

"I mean, she gave me better abs anyway, so I'm assuming she chose me for my...sparkling... personality?"

"What sparkling personality?"

What would a confident person say here? "J-just because I don't talk much doesn't mean I don't have one?"

...brilliant. A tour de force.

"It's a matter of practicality, Wen Ning. Do you really think you're the sort of person who ought to be the most powerful person in the world?"

"You.. could make the argument that I was chosen because I'm...meek?"

"And in your meekness you've already changed editorial policy at one of America's largest magazines."

"--it is an improvement over '15 muffins that won't give you a muffin top' or..." What does Cosmo usually contain? "...'90 ways to man sex your man?'"

"I think I should show you what harm you can cause," she says, and walks closer, and gently strokes her fingers down her face, and kisses him.

Quest available: Survive

Survive.

Success: Survival.
Failure: Lack of survival.

Thanks, he wouldn't have noticed he was in mortal danger otherwise.

... she is kissing him, which is as physically nice as it is mentally terrifying. Though it's not clear how it could be deadly? ...did she poison her lips...?

He is leaning into it, despite his better judgement.

She strokes his hair and kisses his neck and his ears, so gently, so kindly. 

Still not entirely sure of the danger here?

But even if his rational mind can't work it out, his body is convinced, and half of him is trying scrabble back while the other half leans in.

(She's wonderful and so so smart, and maybe this is a test to make him stronger, maybe she's on the One's side...)

She starts to remove his clothes!

...well, Schroedinger's cat is out of the box: she has definitely seen him naked now.

"I'm-- I'm not sure this is necessary?"

She touches his dick. "You want it, though."

Nervous laughter. "Which I think makes it a bad example of being dangerous?"

In lieu of answering the question she kisses him and grinds her thigh against his dick. 

This is the shortest time he has ever known someone before they've had sex with him. Even Nie Huaisang had known him for longer.

He feels... a way about that.

"-- you really don't have to."

"I want to," she says, and starts to pull off her own clothes. 

Her breasts are small but nicely shaped and she puts his hands on them. 

She's beautiful-- and he's incredibly biased, he knows that,  but he's sure she's attractive to an unbiased eye.

And now she's naked on his lap and putting his hands on her.

"O-okay? If you're sure?" She has to have an angle on this.

Her angle seems presently to be taking advantage of ART 13 as it is applied to playing with nipples.

She seems to have quite sensitive nipples. 

Sure? If she wants to...? He can just be. Helpful.

Mm yes he can be so helpful. With his tongue also. She is making very pleased noises. 

...if she's enjoying herself, then the net amount of joy in the world is going up. That's what he wants. That's what, at the end of the day, matters.

And those noises are so hot.

He can be malleable. Lead, and he will follow.

She moves his hand between her legs and pushes her clit on his fingers like she's using them as a toy.

He can feel her getting harder under his fingerpads, and it's a lot and--

He is so incredibly hard, and she has definitely seen that picture of him with all of Ika inside of him and that knowledge is not helping.

He'd say he still isn't sure why she's doing this ten minutes after meeting him, most of which she spent questioning why he was ever chosen. But. He's not such an love struck fool that he can't see how those two are connected.

...It doesn't matter. She's having a good time.

She is having such a good time. She is shuddering as she grinds on between his fingers and his dick, and she comes and pauses briefly and then keeps going--

And for a second he tries to pull back, in case it's too much for her, but obviously it isn't--

If she wants to keep going, that's fine. Why not? (In Love's name and for Love's sake, I assert that I will employ the Art--)

And then she seems satisfied enough and repositions herself and fucks down on Wen Ning's dick.

!!!

So.  This is happening.(At least it's now more than 10 minutes since they first met.)

He is just.  Going to stay still. She seems to have this handled. (And while ART 13 means you know what you're doing,  it doesn't mean you feel like you know what you're doing.)

It's fine! Meng Yao can use him as a sort of human dildo. With great enjoyment.

Well, she's allowed. Not that he could really stop her, anyway.  (And he no longer lasts an objectively embarrassing amount of time, so that's something.)

When he finishes she gets off him.

"You didn't want that."

"But you did, so it's... okay?"

"Is it."

"--Mhhm?" Wizard's mind: over the arc of everything he will be fine "I want to make everyone happy,  and you-- count too?"

"The One has fucked your mind so you think like that."

"... you did research what I was like before this, right?"

"You were a passive people pleaser but you didn't cooperate in your own rape."

If she wants to call it that, she's allowed. It's fine, actually. "It didn't exactly come up."

"It's your business whether you want your mind to be fucked but do you want to do this to other people?"

..."It isn't."

"It isn't?"

"This particular thing isn't happening to other people." It sounds a little desperate.

"The One is only going to make you more beautiful, you know. What do you think will happen when you're supernaturally beautiful?"

"Plenty of people don't lose their heads just because someone is pretty?"

"Someday you're going to become so beautiful that you mind control people around you. You're fine with having sex you don't want, that's your business, but do you want to mind control others?"

"I can just not get more beautiful then. That's an option available to me."

"The One never makes you more beautiful without your consent?"

...yes. "Not so far."

She kisses him on the cheek, stands up, and dresses. "Think about it."

Okay?

Good news: he's alive! So far! Wen Ning: 1, Ordeal: 0(?)

He's just going to sit on the floor. Because he is so fine. And alive!

Quest available: All Along The Watchtowers

Redeem Meng Yao. ????

Success: +8,000 XP, a perk point, ????
Failure: ???

Is he likely to succeed? Not really.

Is he still going to try? Yes.

He accepts the quest.

He is alone for a very, very, very long time. 

Meng Yao seems to be giving him time to think about it.

Also she presumably has other things she's got to do than just convince him to not be a wizard?

He investigates his cell. He doesn't expect the door to be unlocked or anything, but it would be very embarrassing if it wasn't and he never checked.

It is locked!

Other than a bed, the cell is entirely empty. There are no windows and nothing that gives a sense of how much time has passed.

... don't casinos do that thing of not having windows? He can see why Miss Meng might be going for a... casino of bad vibe here.

Does he have his phone still on him? Not that he expects to get reception, but still. Would be silly to not check.

No phone! Nothing to do but introspect. 

... yeah, that sounds about right.

He lies down and tries his level best not to introspect.

Some unknowable amount of time later, Meng Yao returns. 

"Did you know," she says companionably, "that Wizard's Body means you can't die?"

... this cannot be going anywhere good.  "That sounds about right? I did check." Which makes it sound like something drastic. "-- in a mild way."

"It's an interesting fact," Meng Yao says. "And, you know, I only have to make you genuinely want not to be a wizard anymore. As soon as you do, poof, it goes away."

... and also he'd die, which he'd ideally like to avoid? "I-i see."

"Don't worry," Meng Yao assures him, "the One is nice. Always a very nice entity. If you ever give up, you'll be healed back to normal."

"Just the once." While she is presumably still there and very capable of killing him. (Not that she would, but...)

"I'm not going to hurt you again," she says. "I swear on my magic. If you give up, you can walk out."

There's a version of him, somewhere out in the multiverse, who walks out. Who stops being a wizard and lives a much more boring if still improved life.

... and if he did that, he would be breaking the Oath that he took, even what proof that he could bring joy.

"You know I'm not going to do that."

"Well, we'll find out."

And she does.

The unstoppable force versus the immovable object: his knowledge of his human frailty and lack of willpower, versus "but I made a promise."

It's.. awful. And it's awful how it's easier if he focuses on how she's hurting herself, how she's making herself a worse person and he has to try to fix that.

It's easier too, if he remembers the only way he survives this is with Wizard's Body. Sure, she says he won't die if he gives up,  but-- the Ordeal can kill you and stopping being a wizard sure seems to be a way that could happen.

He's gaining a fascinating knowledge of anatomy. Not that many people can say they've looked at their own small intestine. 

The +1 WIZ from it feels like a sick joke.

The anatomy knowledge is probably not that applicable to other people. He's pretty sure spleens aren't meant to do that.

Gaining power through eldritch knowledge is at least... traditional? Though if he could get a deeper understanding of wizardry some other way,  that would be great.

And then, hours that feel like days later, the torment is over. 

Now, if you'll excuse him, he's going to be curled up in a corner pretending that didn't happen.

He can do that! No one will stop him.

They also won't feed him.

He can't die but he can get very, very hungry. 

Which is wildly unpleasant, but he'll live.

And he'll get out. He has to. He'll get out and eat what he wants and cuddle Wei Wuxian and and and--

(It may become a bit of a chant in his head.)

Meng Yao arrives again, an eternity later, once he's slept and healed.

It's... something, that he's kind of excited to see her?

Whatever happens next will be awful,  but it will be the kind of awful where something happens and he isn't just curled into a ball.

(She is also a person he loves. That helps.)

"Hello?"

"Still here?"

"... you haven't let me leave?"

Not that that's what she's asking, but still.

"We found a very interesting spell. It's in your spellbook, too, if you look."

Oh no. "Which one is it?"

"It lets you control a person's body and not their mind. Would you like me to show you?"

"I'm assuming the way I'd say 'no' is stopping being a wizard."

"Well, you can say 'no' either way. I'm just not going to listen."

This is going to be "fun." "I thought as much."

She says some words in very fast Speech and--

He sits up of his own accord. His hands reach out to her.

It doesn't feel bad in and if itself, but it's strange being a passenger in his own body.

He tries to move his hand back. It doesn't budge.

... this is fine! This is fine.

It is fine! He kisses Meng Yao.

He can think about how this isn't his decision and freak himself out, or he can think about how he's doing something he wished he could do but didn't have the courage to.

His face is very happy about this happening. He's breathing fast and his eyes flutter closed with arousal.

... okay, that's just unnecessary.

No, what's unnecessary is that his mouth opens and says, "I love you."

That's? At least? Not inaccurate?

But it's.  Something. To be forced to say it.

His mouth keeps going while his hands stroke her hair: I love you and you're beautiful and I want this so badly.

Does he at least have control of his eyes to express 'really? really?'

Of course not.

...wouldn't want him to wreck the image she's trying to make, would she.

"I love you too," Meng Yao whispers into his ear, and then starts to kiss down his chest so lovingly.

There's some small weak part of him that clings onto the fact it's mutual, that she's saying she loves him too.

... even if it is probably more fake than what's coming out of his own mouth.

His mouth adds, "I love you more than anyone else."

Is the actual truth not enough for her?

No, no it is not. 

She reaches his dick and starts to suck him. 

... she's put him in a position where she can't talk, meanwhile he can babble on. She can be silent, and it makes sense,  how could she say anything. And he keeps getting to be a ventriloquist dummy.

It's... something,  that he can see how this will go.

Maybe he's wrong but... he doubts that.

It goes in the exact direction he'd expect. Saying things that are so sweet and so tender, things he'd say to Wei Wuxian, things he'd be too embarrassed to say to Wei Wuxian...

This is all... good practice. That's one way to look at it.

And Pollyanna is so happy she doesn't need her crutches.

She gets on top of him and pushes him inside her.

His internal reactions and what she's making him do are, for a brief moment, aligned.

She kisses him and rocks back and forth on his dick. 

This is fine. She could be controlling him to do so much worse things.  Using him for her pleasure is honestly an improvement.

She makes him say "I love you. I'm so happy to be with you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

It's okay! It's not entirely inaccurate!

She makes him add, "I want to have a baby with you, I hope I give you a baby."

Aaaaaaaaaaaaa--

It's not possible. He knows that. The manual promised and it's never lied before. 

But the idea of bringing someone innocent into this. Of doing something to Meng Yao that would involve causing her pain and an absurd risk of morbidity--

Aaaaaaaaaaaa

She makes him say: "it would make me so happy to have a child that's made of me and you..."

He is going to cling to being fine with broken fingernails.

If this is what he wants, then human sexuality is wonderful and diverse, and if she's just trying to hurt him,  then that's more about her than him.

It's just words and he doesn't have to mean it or picture it. 

She begins to fuck him harder.

This he can do. This is easy.

He is getting a good grade in paralysed dildo, something reasonable to want and possible to achieve--

She pulls him towards her and kisses him, gently, lovingly, and she keeps going at an intense speed.

And he can think about how he wishes he could do this on his own. She doesn't have to puppet him to get him to kiss her--

He comes.  It feels-- weirdly physical.

She pulls off, and he can move now.

"Do you think you've made your point?"

It may have sounded more 'first wizard spits defiance at his captors' if his voice wasn't so shaky and if he wasn't slowly collapsing to the floor.

"I have this spell because I'm, not to put too fine a point on it, evil. The One claims to be good. What do you think of serving someone who would give that spell to you?"

She has good inside her, he knows this. 

"...j-just because I can doesn't mean I will."

"Of course not. But what if you're taking instructions from someOne who wants you to?"

He can come up with justifications for why that's a thing he could do: the One couldn't allow some other more sensible bit of magic to happen without allowing that;  or some people would actually want that to be possible. (Getting puppetted by Wei Wuxian would be the worst sort of teasing, but not bad.)

"...I'm not sure trying to convince me you are more trustworthy than the One is going to work the way you think it will?"

"Oh, I'm not asking you to trust me. Think about it for yourself."

She leaves.

He is going to curl up in a ball on the floor and think about how great Wizard's Mind is. Knowing that this sucks now but he will be fundamentally okay is great motivation to keep being a wizard, actually.

And thinking about that means he's not letting Meng Yao into his head. 

She leaves him there for a long time. 

It's probably for the best that she has other things to do. 

Some endless time later--

"Still magic, I see."

"I'm not sure why you expected that to change."

He still loves her, but there is also a numb hollow dread in his chest when he sees her.

She smiles.

"There are 27 bones in the human hand. By the time I'm done with you, each of your hands will have 54."

"...and is this meant to intimidate me more or less than my own spleen?" Someone who should be a wizard would have cocky bravado, so he is just going to pretend at having that. 

She takes his hand in hers, kisses his knuckle, and then breaks it. "One."

There is only so much false bravado that can stand up in the face of pain. 

There's only so much the knowledge that you're going to be fine, you're hand will be fine, you are a wizard, can brace you against the agony, against seeing your hand bend the wrong way. 

He deliberately loses track of how many bones have been broken, so he can't even try to guess how long it will last.

And then the pain suddenly stops. 

Oh, that's nice! Completely nonsensical, but he likes this complete nonsense.

There are sounds of fighting and someone being thrown against a wall.

He should probably go help, but they maybe should have thought of that before they used his hands to demonstrate the two times table?

If they desperately need him, they know where to find him (curled up in a ball in the same corner as usual.)

He is scooped up in arms. 

He flinches.

The arms somehow manage to project intense guilt and shame.

Oh no, he's upset the ?arms?

"Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry--"

He is carried to a place that is not his cell. There is eventually light and outdoors sounds. Cars. 

He opens his eyes.

He's outside. He doesn't recognize the place. It turns out the person carrying him is running, heading towards a car with an open door and the key in the ignition. 

He cranes his neck to see who's carrying him, and opens the manual to see if he has been lucky enough to finish the Ordeal.

WHAT.

"Lan Wangji?"

Bold of you to assume Lan Wangji would answer that instead of gently putting Wen Ning in the back seat of the car and then buckling him in.

This is probably a smart move, seeing as his hands probably aren't up to buckles right now. 

"Uh, I hope you aren't planning to kill me? --it probably wouldn't take, anyway," he says, with the same tone he would use to apologise for taking the last tissue from the box. 

"I'm rescuing you."

"Oh, that's good." Where was he even kidnapped to, anyway? "Does anyone think I'm dead?"

He runs to the driver's seat, gets in, presses the gas, and starts driving like a maniac. 

"Your sister said you were sick."

"I'm... glad she's covering for me?" This doesn't answer if she thinks he's dead.

The necessary formalities having been dealt with, Lan Wangji is now focusing on driving like the protagonist of 2 Fast 2 Furious. 

He should do that! Wen Ning approves of being far away as fast as possible.

He opens the manual. Has he completed the Ordeal?

A purple box helpfully informs him he's still on Ordeal.

Aaaaaaa, noooooo.

There are two possibilities: he needs to go back there to finish it (Lan Wangji is never going to agree to turn around) or Lan Wangji is part of the Ordeal.

He's just-- going to curl up small on the back seat while he can. 

Eventually they pull off into the woods. 

Please let the woods not be part of a torture and/or murder attempt.

Lan Wangji opens the car door and unbuckles Wen Ning. "Can you walk?"

"I can walk," he says, shuffling out of the car to demonstrate. His hands still aren't great but his feet are fine.

"The cabin is three hours' walk away. I can carry you if you have trouble."

Well, that's certainly isolated. "-- if you are here to try and convince me to stop being a wizard, you may as well do it in the woods instead of a cabin." Get it over with. 

"...what's a wizard."

... what?

"Okay, we-- we can sort this out. Who do you think kidnapped me and why?"

"Pentex. I don't know why."

"Uh, they did that because I am a wizard and they do not want me to be." He's just going to start walking, in the hope that this will not be a torture cabin. 

"Magic is real?" Lan Wangji says in a flat tone of voice that gives absolutely no information about how surprised he is about this fact.

"I can demonstrate, but the easiest proof is, uh, kind of gross?"

"You wouldn't lie."

"I'd like to think that if I was lying, I'd come up with a better one?"

Walk walk walk walk walk walk. 

He is walking! While very confused about Lan Wangji's angle. "-- how did you even know I was kidnapped?"

"My sister is dating Meng Yao."

"Oh. Oh no. I am so sorry?"

That doesn't seem like a sentence that needs to be answered.

"I'm surprised she told anyone."

"My sister mentioned you were sick. Meng Yao looked shifty. So I hacked into her computer."

...all is revealed. "You can hack?" Lan Wangji was a software engineer, sure, but he seemed too straight-laced to even consider putting on a black hat? Especially because someone he doesn't know knows Wen Ning looked shifty? "--We should probably make sure my sister knows I'm alive." For now.

"I can send her an email. Through several proxies."

"That would be good. -- How long was I gone?" How many people think he's dead? Have we changed presidents? Have South Korea and Australia gone to war over Cosmo's editorial policy?

"Ten days. I'm sorry."

"I mean, I was worried it might have been a month?'

"Mn."

"So hopefully no one's filed a death certificate for me."

He is so good at walking long distances. He has Wizard's Body and everything. He is definitely not stumbling!

Lan Wangji picks him up again. 

"Sorry-- I mean, you don't have to do that?" 

"Mn."

He is now being carried into the woods after being-- unkidnapped? Kidnapped twice? Also apparently he hasn't eaten for ten days and he's pretty sure something has gone screwy with his sleep cycle.

Lan Wangji is very warm and solid, and it is surprisingly hard for him to keep his eyes open. 

Some time later he will be half-woken-up by being placed in a bed. Maybe someone is kissing his forehead, but probably that's just a dream.

He says a half awake "thank you."

... the bed isn't as warm or snuggly as Lan Wangji.

"Take this," Lan Wangji says, putting a pill to Wen Ning's lips.

This is... probably a bad idea, but not one he feels like fighting the good fight about? He swallows it. 

Lan Wangji follows the pill with a glass of water. 

Then he says "I'm sorry" and starts doing horrible things to Wen Ning's hands. 

... the Ordeal isn't over. He should have expected Lan Wangji to be an agent of it. 

And now he's being tortured again and he really wishes he was the sort of wizard who could cast fireball instead of the kind who could fit his entire fist in his mouth. 

His struggles are pretty ineffective.

"It will be over more quickly if you're still."

More horrible things are happening.

Sorry, Lan Wangji, the squirming is not exactly a choice.

Finally the horribleness stops. When Wen Ning looks down, his hands are in a brace. 

"You should sleep."

... that doesn't make more or less sense than torture, but it makes a certain sort of sense? "...Thank you?" He is not going to mention his hands would have healed anyway.

Unfortunately, right now he is that mix of exhausted and wired you get from being in pain, that makes it difficult to sleep. Mysterious how that happened. 

"The Vicodin should begin working soon. Tell me if you need another dose."

... how did Lan Wangji get that? "Thank you. For that and for rescuing me."

"You don't have to thank me."

"... it's either this or constant apologising?"

"You don't have to apologize either."

"Right, yes, but I think I may have left my scraps of assertiveness in the Pentex building."

"Are you hungry?"

"Uh. They didn't feed me?" YES.

Lan Wangji disappears into a different room. 

Wen Ning is going to valiantly stay conscious with the promise of immanent food. 

Lan Wangji returns with vegetarian chicken soup and a spoon. 

He puts the soup down, guides Wen Ning to sit up, sits next to him, takes the bowl in one hand and the spoon in the other, and brings the spoon to Wen Ning's lips.

He tries to make himself maximally convenient to hand feed. 

(The soup tastes like the divine nectar of the gods, but that might just be the hunger talking.)

Lan Wangji mechanically feeds Wen Ning the entire bowl of soup.

The nice thing about being in love with everyone is that this is awkward in a 'my crush is handfeeding me' way and not a 'I am too incompetent to feed myself and am now inconveniencing people' way.

But being mechanically fed by Lan Wangji is... a lot. 

"Do you need more?"

He is hungry enough to eat an entire cow, offal and all, but also he is realistic about what happens to people who don't eat for days and then eat a lot at once. "Not right now? Thank you." 

"Is there anything else you need?"

"I think I'm alright." 

Then he will guide Wen Ning to lie down and put him under a blanket. 

He is being tucked in by his crush and he is going to CATCH FIRE. OF EMBARRASSMENT. 

...assuming he doesn't fall asleep first, which is looking pretty likely. 

"I can read to you to help you sleep."

So, this is how the Ordeal is deadly.

"...if you would like to?" 

He gently puts a sleep mask over Wen Ning's face.

It transpires that the book available for bedtime reading is Masonry and Stone of the Middle Ages, and Lan Wangji's monotone is extremely soporific.

Also, the vicodin is hitting, so Wen Ning is out like a light after one minute. 

He awakens to the smell of soup. 

He also awakens really, really hungry, so the smell of soup is more than welcome. 

As soon as Lan Wangji notices that Wen Ning has woken, he silently gives Wen Ning another Vicodin and a sip of water to wash it down, and then spoonfeeds him a bowl of soup. 

He could get used to this kind of treatment, if he didn't feel bad about making Lan Wangji do all this work. "Thank you." 

"Mn."

"Do you have any plans or... am I just staying in a cabin until Pentex gives up?" 

"I didn't think ahead that far."

"I mean, I can't complain? I'm happy to be impulsively rescued." 

"You shouldn't do anything until your hands heal."

"That's going to be quicker than you think, because I'm a wizard. I think they're pretty close to healed already?" 

If he attempts to flex his fingers he will realize that his hands aren't remotely close to healed.

Ow.

"...or not?" ... why are spleens easier to heal than hands? The One works in mysterious ways. 

"Maybe Pentex suppressed your healing."

"I really hope not."

"What is a wizard? What can they do?"

"I took an oath to spread joy through the world, and now I have a physical and mental healing factor and can talk to animals and can... do... other things." Squeaky voice. "I'm... not sure you want details?"

"I want them."

"I can. Um. Tell how people like to be touched." He is DYING here. "And if I... consume sexual fluids... I can get temporary magic powers."

"You're a sex wizard?"

"I am. A sex wizard."

Whatever thoughts Lan Wangji has about this fact aren't appearing on his face. 

"Pentex is... against sex?"

"I think Pentex is against joy? Though they do disapprove of me, specifically, being a sex wizard."

"That's bad."

"I would like it if they were more on board with joy."

"You need a plan to be safe."

"I also need to finish my Ordeal-- it's a thing I need to do to be a more powerful wizard?"

"What is it?"

"I-- don't know? I know it started because I became a more powerful wizard, I know that's why Pentex kidnapped me,  and I know it can kill me-- I just don't know how to finish it?"

"That's bad."

"It's-- It's not ideal, no."

"I didn't prepare much entertainment that you can do without your hands because I didn't know this would be an issue. I have every streaming service. Or I could read to you."

"--I don't want to impose?" He is very good at existing while not doing anything.

"I have music. We could play a board game with me moving your pieces for you. I could write down your answers for crossword puzzle or sudoku. I could take dictation."

And he says he wasn't prepared. "Uh. TV would be fine?"

"I have Netflix, Hulu, Disney Plus, ESPN, Amazon Prime, iQiyi, HBO Max, Crunchyroll, Viki, Paramount Plus, and Apple TV. If there is a different service you want I will get it."

Why does Lan Wangji have so many streaming services? Does he even watch TV? "Netflix sounds good?" he says, picking one he recommends at random. 

Lan Wangji opens Netflix and then waits expectantly for a preference.

He picks the first documentary that appears on screen that seems unlikely to have a "plot" or "stakes." 

...he is watching Netflix. In an isolated cabin in the woods. After telling someone he is a sex wizard. ...has he achieved the mythical 'netflix and chill?' 

No, because Lan Wangji immediately departs for some unknown activity. 

This is fair. Lan Wangji has a life, and a job he should presumably be doing? (He will deal with how deeply, deeply fired he is going to be after he survives his Ordeal.)

A show about people competing to make the best pottery is exactly the right level of stakes and brain-power required to watch. It's fun learning how sinks are made. 

Lan Wangji silently appears at precise intervals to give Vicodin and spoon-feed Wen Ning soup and put on whatever else he wants put on Netflix. 

He feels very guilty about taking up so much of Lan Wangji's effort. 

...he refuses to feel guilty for spending all day watching Netflix and eating soup. He has had a Very Bad Week. He deserves soup and Netflix. He has some self esteem now.

Eventually Lan Wangji says: "you need a bath."

"I can get in and out of one without hands. I don't want to be anymore trouble." 

"You can't use soap."

"I could probably work something out..." no, he had him on that point. Not unless he had become a contortionist without noticing. "I would appreciate the help, but you don't have to." 

"You should be clean."

He is going to die of Lan Wangji bathing him. That's how the Ordeal will kill him. Lan Wangji is going to put soap on his back and he is going to spontaneously combust.

"Okay."

Lan Wangji guides him to his feet and begins to undress him.

The tips of his ears are pink.

At least they are going to die of embarrassment together?

He bites back an apology, because that will only make it worse. 

Lan Wangji has a completely impassive face with absolutely no emotions about this whatsoever.

Because Lan Wangji is competent and collected and intimidating.

And he's now just standing naked in front of him. At least he isn't the first person he's been naked in front of?

Lan Wangji walked into the bathroom. "What temperature do you like your baths?"

"...Medium temperature? Wait, that's not useful. Um. Warmer than blood warm but not so hot it burns?"

Lan Wangji intends to sit here carefully adjusting the water temperature until it is perfect.

Wen Ning is being so good and assertive by waiting till they find a temperature he actually likes instead of panicking and picking the first one. 

Then he can get inside the bath!

Getting into a bath without using your hands is awkward, but he manages to get in without falling over, so that's a win. 

As soon as Lan Wangji sees that it's awkward he grabs Wen Ning and tries to guide him him.

He is being so well behaved and is letting himself be helped. And he is being so good and is having no reaction to Lan Wangji's hand on his arm.

Lan Wangi settles him in the bath and begins to very carefully soap him. He gently lathers up Wen Ning's chest and arms.

Wen Ning is doing his best to make it easy to do that. 

Lan Wangji has very nice hands.