It's not that Jing Yi didn't notice that Leo disappeared from his life, he just noticed it slowly. He keeps meaning to catch up with him, but it's harder to meet someone when they aren't spending six hours a day in the same building as you. And he would never admit it, but he doesn't need Leo as much any more. Boys always playing football and girls always playing ponies becomes less of a thing when there's drama classes and clubs and the people they're, and now there's a mixed sex group (...okay, there's not that many boys, but it isn't just him and Leo!) of people pretending to be ponies and mobsters and princess locked in towers.  His social life gets eaten by the drama club and school productions and catching up on homework in the middle of the night because he was in a school production. He misses Leo, but in that way where you just assume that presumably they are fine, just somewhere else?

He's eighteen when some part of him in the back of his mind realises that maybe that doesn't add up. He tries to catch up with him before he moves away to college, but it turns out moving can really eat your life! And then suddenly he is on a bus with as much of his stuff that he can fit in two suitcases and full class schedule for a Major in Business.

He does well-- not spectacular, but Solid, and with generally glowing assessments of his soft skills. And he graduates and his roommate and second best friend (because let's be honest, the best friend you had when you were twelve is always going to be your bestest friend) tells him about his business idea, but Jing Yi, you're my only hope, you're the only friend I have with social skills.

And that is how he ends up as the nontechnical co-founder at a startup. There are worse places you can end up. He has his gripes about it, but the work suits him well enough.

But he ends up realising how much his social circle shrunk. He has his coworkers-- who are mostly in his line of command, so he is friendly but not a friend. He has his roommates, how are lovely people even if some of them may be mothman for all he sees of them. He has some hookups from grindr he keeps meeting up with-- somehow he has managed to charm people with his claims to be "the most masc you have ever seen. bask in my masculine glory. just so, so masc" combined with a photo of him laughing himself silly while failing to do a pull up. And there are very nice, but it still doesn't add up to be much of a social circle.

Reconnecting with old friends seems like the easiest way to do that? He should really catch up with Leo. Sure it's been ten years, but waiter longer isn't going to be less weird?

...

Finding Leo is much harder than he expected it to be. Somehow he expected him to have, like, a facebook account? And he has no clue why he assumed that, because that is hilariously wrong? It honestly feels a bit creepy the amount of digging he has to do, but presumably there's a creepiness exception for well meaning elementary school best friends. He manages to have a phone call with his husband that is perfectly polite, and he manages to avoid making it obvious in his voice how weird he feels about having to call someone else to arrange a lunch meet up?

He organises the meet up at a cafe (He has fond memories of being a little terror in their back in his drama club days) before realising the Tactical Error he has made. Leo can just get a hot chocolate. ...Leo can get cake, because he is fairly sure the Word of Wisdom says nothing ambiguous about cake.

Leo has to deal with two accidents and a four-year-old who thinks ONLY Leo can cut the banana and so he arrives twenty minutes late.

"I'm sorry," he says in a rush, and is about to provide an explanation but explanations are excuses and you shouldn't give excuses, and is about to say "I'll do better next time" but who is he to assume there'll be a next time, and then he just says "I'm sorry" again.

"Oh no, an additional 20 minutes on top of the accidental decade, however will I cope?"

"Sorry."

He... has no money for anything in this cafe. A cookie costs about fifteen percent of his weekly food budget for himself.

"Don't worry about it. I know you're probably busy." (The nice thing about that statement is that everyone thinks they are busy.) "And it's my treat. I'm the one who dragged you out here."

He will pick... the very cheapest cookie? That is probably reasonable.

He can have the cookie if he wants a cookie. He means to ask 'would you like anything to drink?' but staring up at the menu while trying to remember what the hot drink rules ever are here (and why did they have to vary regionally???) it comes out as "Can you drink?"

"...uh, no?" he says. "Alcohol... isn't allowed?"

aaaaaaaaaa mouths are bad.

"Is... hot chocolate okay? Iced chocolate?"

"Hot chocolate is. Okay? Um I'm really fine with just the cookie though."

"I think if we're catching up on ten years worth of stuff, we can live a little."

"...if you can afford it?"

"I work in tech. They pay us assuming we are all eating gold plated fair trade organic quinoa, while living in apartments that make you wonder how much broom closets can actually cost. Two hot chocolates is not going to break the budget."

"...okay," he says meekly and orders. "So, uh, tech? What's that like?"

Jing Yi order a hot chocolate and a muffin. "I'm mostly on the 'convince people to give us money to make something Good, and then make sure the money gets spent sensibly on making something Good' side of things. You know, making sure we don't blow our gold plated grain budget.

How about you? You're married?"

"Yes. To Malcolm LaBaron. He's very kind to me," Leo says as if reciting something learned by heart.

...ooookay. "He definitely, uh, has a phone?"

"Yeah. Only his second wife has a phone, we can't afford a line for all the wives."

He says nothing about 'wait, why the second wife?' "That sounds inconvenient? But there's more to life than phones, so." Quick, gotta come up with a subject change. "How are the kids?" 

"Sariah is potty training but I'm basically an expert at that at this point so it's going pretty well, accidents aside. Roslyn has started to sleep through the night but Zoram is going to come any day now so I'm not going to get that much of a break. Uh, I'm reading them all the Narnia books--"

"Narnia is high quality," because that is probably less rude than 'so is there just three, or more than three?' (And also 'hey, if you ever need a spare degenerate atheist uncle on hand, steal your husband's phone and give me a call.')

"Yeah, and they're easy enough that I can focus on them, which is good."

"I mean, if you're wrangling that many kids, something you can read more or less in your sleep is good."

"Yeah. I have-- so many opinions about books for people less than five years old."

"I'd imagine! 'If I have to read one more Berenstain Bears, I am going to start eating them.'"

"Junie B. Jones is better."

"A man of taste, I see."

"Sorry, I know you're probably not interested in that kind of thing-- how's your work?"

"It's fine! I didn't start hating babies in high school. We've managed to escape the morass of funding rounds, and with a budget too, so that's nice. Our main product is on time to launch-- It's incredibly niche cloud computing stuff, I'm not sure you would be interested-- but things are still a bit 'how long is a piece of string?' when it comes to firmer timelines."

He doesn't know any of those words.

"...mm?" he says, listeningly.

How can he describe this in a less technical way? He has got used to describing things at an investor level, not a Mormon housespouse level. Welp, this is will at least be good practice.  "We're basically working on letting you hire other people's computers to do things, but, like, efficiently. And goodly."

Leo's hot chocolate and cookie arrive and he takes a bite of the cookie to give himself some time to think while he tries to figure out something to say that isn't incredibly stupid.

Now there is no more cookie.

Oh dear, he misaimed it. "It is pretty niche."

Leo carefully eats up every single one of the crumbs. "It sounds interesting," he says, brain mostly full of !!! COOKIE !!!!

Okay, that's kind of cute. "I can get you another if you want."

"...you don't have to? It's fine. The cookies here cost a lot of money."

"It's well within my fun budget."

He very gingerly gets... the second least expensive cookie.

And nibbles it. To make it last.

"So you rent out bits of other people's computers?"

Yay, second least expensive cookie. "More or less? The technical side of it gets complicated, but if you need some calculations done but don't want a computer for it," he makes a tongue click finger guns combo "We're your people."

"...couldn't you just use a calculator for that?"

"We do really big calculations. Like--" he pauses for a second to think of an example. "Analysing all the purchases at a grocery chain."

"--oh that was a stupid question. Sorry. I'm really dumb." (He says this the way you'd say that the weather is nice today.)

"No, it's fine! It's not something you'd ever deal with, so there's no reason for you to know?" Also, unless Leo hit his head or something in the last ten years (... Which isn't impossible...) he knows he can run intellectual circles around him.

Jing Yi is an unreasonably nice person who wants to give him unlimited cookies and is tolerant of stupid questions. 

...On the other hand it's not like Leo is going to get a second chance to talk to him so he might as well take advantage.

"Do you pay people so you can borrow bits of their computers that they're not using?"

"At the moment, but we're looking to buy our own so it's cheaper."

"How do you find them?" He vaguely imagines bus ads.

"There's other companies that specialise in that sort of stuff, and we're renting from them. ...right now we are a MacDonald's buying burgers from Burger King and then reassembling them," he says, with the deep exhaustion of someone who is very aware that he is currently part of a very silly business model.

O.o o.O O.O 

He has questions--

And he cuts himself off.

"I'm probably too stupid to understand it."

"No, you're smart to be aware of how deeply stupid it is."

"I didn't know you'd gotten into computers but I guess people change a lot after they're twelve."

For example, Leo became very stupid.

"I got friends who were into computers, and they needed someone who could actually do public speaking."

"I don't think I could ever do public speaking."

"It gets easier with practice, but it's not everyone's thing."

... Leo is wearing concealer on just one eye. That is... Concerning. "Did something happen to your eye."

"I, uh, fell down?"

He doesn't talk to people who don't know--

"--On just one part of your face?"

"It was a really weird accident."

Leo has always been a terrible liar.

"Is there anything I can do to help with the, uh, accidents?"

This is putting the weirdness of just ine phone into a new and worrying perspective.

"...you want to help with me falling down?"

"Yes! If it is at all possible!" Two people can play the dumb euphemisms game!

In the background, he tries to come up with solutions. All of them are incredibly bad ideas, even after five seconds of thought. Telling people 'I know what you did' is at best going to do nothing, at worst going to get someone shot.

"Well, uh, don't trip me?"

"If there's someone you'd like me to pass a message on to, or you need a less trip hazard-ful place to stay--"

He could totally just. Remove Leo from the situation. It's a terrible plan, but he can't immediately come up with how it is terrible.

"I'm fine. I'm sealed to my husband for eternity."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Nope. No eternities. Eternities are banned.

"That's. Um. Nice that you believe that?" and do you have explanations for your marriage that don't horrify Godless atheists?

"And he'll take me to the highest heaven." Where, presumably, there are fewer diapers.

"...is he a necessary part of that plan? Like, do you need his approval to go?"

"No one goes to the celestial kingdom unless they're polygamously married."

"Do you just have to be married, or like, when you get there he has to say 'yeah, Leo's good to go?'" he says in a tone of curious cultural exchange and not 'if I steal you, would you believe you are damned?'

"He could refuse me once I'm there-- no sealing is continued if it's nonconsensual-- but he wouldn't. I'm very obedient."

Goddamnit.

... Okay, so that swear is hilariously apropos.

'Leo would think he is damned' is not actually the worst part of this terrible half plan. Though that's because it is terrible, but he can't think of anything else.

And apparently he hits the spouses he likes-- what a charmer.

"That's interesting."

"Don't worry," he says, "almost everyone goes to a heaven."

"I appreciate your concern for my immortal soul."

Leo is pretty sure it would be hellish to be sealed to Malcolm for eternity. This is one of those thoughts he's not supposed to have.

"I should probably be heading back soonish," he says, "I can't spend that long away from the children."

He has not come up with a better plan and he has no confidence he'll ever get another opportunity, so: TIME FOR THE STUPIDEST PLAN POSSIBLE.

He has made it this far through life with aggressive confidence and faking it till he made it. This is probably where that breaks down. But he still has to try.

"Hey, how did you get here? I can give you a lift back, it's no trouble."

"I took the bus. Or, uh, four buses."

"Yeah, no, four buses is ridiculous, I'll drive you. What's your address?"

He gives it.

Jing Yi walks over to his car, and opens the door for him.

(This is a casual thing. Nothing weird is happening. He is just giving a friend a lift. There is no reason his palms are sweating. There is no reason for Leo to worry.)

Leo takes his hot chocolate which, between one thing and another, he hadn't drunk.

This was stupid. Leaving the house is stupid. His job is to take care of children and clean and cook and he can't really talk to adults, he's stupid and awkward and he asks the wrong questions and it's a wonder even Malcolm puts up with him--

Jing Yi starts the car. Pay no attention to him 'absent mindedly' turning on the childlock.

Distracting small talk: go! "I've got a nephew who's about four, and I was thinking of getting him a book for a birthday present. Do you have any recommendations?"

Oh, and pay no attention to him driving in competely the wrong direction.

This is not the right way but Leo is kind of stupid so he doesn't want to point it out.

Leo likes the works of Sandra Boynton! He can recite all the ones they have at the library from memory.

He will keep Sandra Boynton in mind!

Oh dear, his sense of direction is awful. Somehow he has ended up on a highway. How silly of him.

Leo is not going to comment. He doesn't know where anything is.

Probably the best present you can get a parent of a four-year-old, he opines, is time off.

"Oh, yeah, that'd be right. Time off and enough quiet to nap."

It is incredibly weird that Leo is not saying anything about the kidnapping. ... hopefully it's because he approves of it?

"Yeah. That's my role in the household, giving the other wives enough time to nap."

"Presumably you also get a turn in the nap rotation," he laughs.

...Long, awkward silence.

Malcolm and his other wives keep finding new ways to go down in his estimation.

He is feeling More Justified Than He Should Right Now.

Another long awkward silence.

"--You have worked out where you're going, right?"

"An... unusual route to where I live?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"I mean, if you desperately want to go there, I can try and turn around.

... I'm going to my house. I can take you back, but-- I want to make sure you can have a couple days to actually sleep and not run around after other people's kids and don't have to deal with husband shaped tripping hazards."

"...you're kidnapping me."

"Apparently I am kidnapping you!"

"The first gentile I've talked to in a decade and you kidnapped me!"

"--The fact I'm the first non-Mormon you have spoken to in a decade is not making me feel less justified! I swear we are mostly not kidnappers. ...I turn out to be a weird exception?"

"I guess I've technically talked to the children's librarians!"

"See! Non-kidnapper Gentiles: Proof They Exist!"

"You know, zero percent of the Mormons I've talked to have kidnapped me!"

"Mmm, I don't quite know enough of the circumstances to be quite sure I agree."

"Oh, what! So if you kidnap a kidnap victim it's fine?"

"I believe the technical term for that is a 'rescue!'"

He sighs. "Look, if you really, really don't want to wait two days, I'll turn around."

"You are terrible at kidnapping people!"

"Give me a break, its my first time! I haven't made a habit of it!"

"Yeah, I can tell! You don't even have handcuffs. How do you plan to keep me from escaping at the hotel or campsite or wherever you're kidnapping me to? Did you think this through at all?"

"I don't plan on trying very hard to stop you from leaving! If you want to leave, I might prefer you didn't, but that's your prerogative! Also I had like ten minutes to plan this!"

Beat.

"Oh goddamnit, I have roommates."

"Aren't you rich!"

"Bay Area housing is expensive, and living on your own is depressing.

So, hey, on the bright side, you'll get to explain that you're kidnapped and that your kidnapper is very dumb?"

"And then you'll get arrested! Unless you can afford to bribe the cops I guess!"

"I was hoping I would be able to sell it my roommates as something very sensible."

"In case you didn't notice, I look like a plyg."

(His hair goes down to his midback and he's wearing a dress that covers to his ankles and wrists.)

"Which is only going to make selling it to them easier! 'Hey, my childhood friend has an awful husband, I'm couching him for a few days.' 'Okay, sounds legit.'"

...Leo replays the last few minutes of conversation and curls up in his seat. "...sorry."

"... For being a bad kidnappee???"

"I-- think that probably arguing with the person who's kidnapping me is going to get me slapped?"

"...I have zero desire to physically harm you?"

"So does Malcolm. I'm just-- mouthy."

"So, one: the hitting thing is one of the reasons why I am kidnapping you. Two: I cannot complain about your critique of my kidnapping technique."

"You're kidnapping me! You're allowed to complain about whatever you want!"

"Sorry."

"My ego is not going to be hurt by you thinking I am bad at kidnapping people. As we can both see, I am objectively bad at it. Also, as a kidnappee you are allowed to complain about whatever and don't have to apologise for it."

"--I am pretty sure," Leo says, "that when someone kidnaps you and you complain they beat and rape you."

"Usually when you're kidnapped, your kidnapper has, like, a plan."

Leo is uncomfortably aware that this is a pretty lame kidnapping and the only reason he hasn't gone "no, take me home" is that he is pretty sure he'd be willing to be beaten and raped in order to have one entire afternoon where he doesn't have to clean feces off a child's thighs. It's not like he isn't beaten at home, and rape can't be that much worse than marital sex. Marital sex is already pretty awful. 

"...how long is it to your house?"

He looks at the car radio clock. "Ten hours or so, if traffic isn't ridiculous? I've booked a hotel room at the halfway point." The '... For one person' is left unstated.

Oh! This! He knows how to handle this!

...he is committing the sin of adultery in order to get a break from the kids. Arguably? He is being kidnapped and so maybe he's being raped but on the other hand it is a pretty lame kidnapping. 

"...it's been a while since I've been in a car without kids."

"I imagine it's much quieter."

"I'm not sure what to do since I assume you don't want me to count your toes."

That gets a laugh. "We could talk? Or gain an appreciation for how dire the radio out here is?"

"I'm not supposed to listen to secular music. It's sinful."

... What fun new avenues of being weird and controlling. "Though, you are actively being kidnapped. If I put on secular music, there's not a lot you could do about it."

"That's true."

Sinful, damnable secular pop it is then!

"What... is she singing about?"

The dulcet tones of Cardi B come out through the speakers.

"She's instructing the listener to engage in sexual relations with her. ...technically it is within wedlock?"

"...I don't know what half of those words mean."

"--Its mostly an Ode in Praise of Her Own Vagina."

He patiently listens to the end of the song in order to keep sweet.

"I swear, secular pop is usually less explicit. ...a bit less explicit."

"...she seems to enjoy it a lot."

"Not an uncommon opinion, from what I've heard."

"Among men, anyway."

"... It's fairly gender neutral."

"No, men like sex and women and boywives don't."

"Mormon men, it seems, are incredibly bad at sex."

"I'm not sure... how much there is you could do to improve on it? Without doing sins."

He vaguely imagines being masturbated by a man and shudders.

Basic competence? He drums his fingers on the wheel. "I could explain but a) I'm not one hundred percent sure what a sin is in this case, and b) I'm not sure you want to be trapped in a car with me while I describe my sex life."

"Well. I can't stop you. Because of being kidnapped."

"No, technically you cannot. But I can say I am reasonably sure 'boywives don't like sex' isn't because of any anatomical reason."

"Well, men are supposed to-- penetrate-- and boywives and women are supposed to. Uh. Be penetrated? I don't really know what part women would even have to enjoy sex with. And penetrating is I assume nice but being penetrated just hurts."

"...while it is definitely true for some people it is not, ah, universal.

Also: clitorises. That is the part women enjoy sex with, supposedly."

"Supposedly?"

"I don't exactly have direct experience." It comes out incredibly squeaky.

(This may not be the stupidest way he has ever come out, but it's solid Top 10 material.)

"...I'm sure you'll find someone eventually?"

He is trying not to laugh so much that he gets distracted from the road. "Leo, Leo, I love you, but you might want to look at that thought from another angle."

he should not be feeling a warm glow about "I love you" but the last time he heard it it was from Sarai whose mother switched her on the bottom for it afterward

"--oh. Right."

Jing Yi has figured out an innovative kidnapping-and-rape solution to his celibacy. This is, presumably, what people get up to in the gentile world.

...yeah, coming out to your Mormon captive is probably going to make them uncomfortable. Good Job Jing Yi. Way To Go There.

(The ensuing awkward silence is filled with a forgettable pop song about how much the singer enjoyed watching you dance in the club, would you like to come to his house to do something nonspecific.)

Eventually:

"...do they sing about something other than sex."

"Give it enough time, and eventually someone will sing about money, or status, or how sad-mad they are that someone broke up with them."

"I kind of thought people would sing about other things. In the gentile world."

"Oh, they definitely do, just not on the radio."

"Are there songs about stars?"

"...statistically, yes, but I don't know any off the top of my head."

"Oh. I thought there would be songs about stars."

"Someone on youtube has made a whole album about the stars, I know that. --I guess there's also the Planets Suite, but I don't know if that's what you're looking for."

"What's that?"

"It's a series of orchestra pieces-- by a guy who's name temporarily escapes me-- and they're each about a different planet."

"--I thought that all our songs about Heavenly Father because he's the most awe-inspiring being in the world? But I know gentiles don't worship Heavenly Father. So I thought about it and decided you must have songs about stars, because they're the most awe-inspiring thing I could think of."

Oh no, that's so adorable? He cannot squish Leo because he is driving, but he would very much like to squish Leo. "We don't go for awe much, unfortunately. Fun, but not awe."

"I'm... gathering."

"I am so sorry about our collective awful taste in music."

"The Planet Suite sounds nice."

"I could put it on for you when we get to the hotel."

Hopefully after the sex, all the songs that he's ever heard during sex are ruined. 

"That would be nice."

He nearly says, 'It's a date,then,' except that's a weird thing to say to the person you have impulsively rescue-napped? "It's a plan, then." 

...Leo has run into the problem where he has absolutely no idea how to have a conversation with people over the age of five.

He stares out the window and listens to worldly music which is a lot less beautiful than he imagined.

And they arrive at the hotel. It's one of the corporate chain ones that prides itself on it's long and storied reputation of being Okay. It has a cereal bar for breakfasts.

"Now, I'm not going to stop you from claiming to be kidnapped, but it will make my life a whole lot easier if you don't and play along?"

"I can do that."

"Cool!"

To the lobby!

The trick to getting away with bullshit is to act like nothing weird is happening at all, and there is definitely no bullshit going on. "Hi, I've got a room booked under the name 'Jing.' And would it be possible to get a cot, or something like that?"

"Sorry, we're all out."

Cot?????

He turns and makes an apologetic face to Leo, before turning back to the receptionist. "That's fine, we'll work something out."

"Aren't we going to... share... a bed?"

They have a keycard now. Keycards are great. "I wasn't sure whether you would be comfortable with that?"

"Does that matter? I'm being kidnapped."

There's some frantic hand gestures to be quiet-- while also trying to look like he is not making frantic 'be quiet!' hand gestures. "I care about your comfort!"

"I'll be fine."

Jing Yi fumbles with the keycard. "I'm glad you're comfortable with... bed sharing?"

"I share a bed with my husband once a week?"

"There's a schedule?" This is technically not surprising information, but he feels like it is a surprise.

"It reduces the fighting."

"I guess it would."

Okay, now he's in the room.

First step: Hack into the hotel wifi using the provided notecard with a password

Second step: Put on Jupiter, Bringer of Jollity, because its the first one that comes up when he googles the Planets Suite.

Third step: Send a message to the roommate group chat "Hey peeps, a friend of mine needs an emergency couch for the next few days. Sorry about any inconvenience [praying hands emoji.]"

Fourth step: Send a message to the technical cofounder that there might be some weird news bubbling around, but he has it handled and let him handle it and it all should be fine.

And fifth, and most important step: collapse onto the one available chair.

While he is doing this, Leo is conscientiously stripping out of his dress and weird Mormon underwear, and then lying prone and naked on the bed.

Jing Yi was sort of aware of the movement, but he was so focused on all the organisational stuff that he just assume Leo was ?making the bed?

And then he looks up. And there's Leo. Naked.

"What?" It's not the correct response, but it's the response he has. (He is also just going to focus on the surprising weirdness of this, and not what Leo looks like naked, because he does at least try and not be a cad. Just focus on the shock, not on the fact Leo is presumably naked for reasons, or that he looks hot and Jing Yi wants to run his fingers through his hair.)

"I'm ready for you to have sex with me?"

"Is there a reason you are assuming that will happen?" He doesn't say no, because it seems Leo's self esteem has only gotten lower since he last saw him and not because there's some dumb hedonistic part of him that wants to say yes.

"You kidnapped me?"

"I kidnapped you because I dislike your husband and thought you should get some sleep, and I couldn't come up with a smart way to do that?"

"People don't just do things like that if they're not going to get anything out of it."

"Getting to spend time with you is certainly something."

"...is it because I'm ugly? It's okay, I know I am, you can just-- close your eyes and think about whomever you'd rather I be? Or watch pornography?"

"It very much is not because of what you look like!" Because he's pretty sure Leo wouldn't believe him if he says he wasn't ugly, even if he is right now being distractingly not-ugly. "I don't want you to do it because you feel like you have to. Even if I did kidnap you."

"I don't mind. I do it for my husband all the time."

"It's not about what you don't mind, it's about what you want."

"I want you not to be angry at me and hurt me," he says, because there's a smart subtle clever way to say these things but Leo has never been good at smart subtle clever ways, has he, that's why Malcolm hurt him so often, he's blunt and rude and awkward and he doesn't know how to manipulate people enough to stay alive--

And now he's going to get hit for suggesting that Jing Yi might hit him.

"I'm not mad. I would maybe prefer you to put your pants back on because it's distracting? But I'm not mad. And pantslessness is you prerogative."

He doesn't... have... pants?

He can put his underwear back on, that covers a lot of his skin.

The underwear is a solid improvement.

As would a subject change, probably. "Okay, I want you to answer this based only on your most selfish of personal preferences: would it be easier for you to sleep if I was in the bed, or somewhere else?"

He doesn't want to sleep on the floor.

"In the bed?"

... The underwear is actually less not distracting than he thought. This is not ideal, but he can handle it.

"Okay, cool. Can do."

...Leo closes his eyes and is instantly unconscious.

Okay, that's adorable. And also a sign that he really needed the sleep. Jing Yi turns the music off, and gingerly climbs into the but of bed not occupied by Leo. (Sleeping in his clothes isn't ideal, but-- best to make sure there is a barrier between him and stupid ideas.)

Part of the way through the night, Jing Yi wakes up with a Leo clinging to him.

Very valid to use him as a teddy bear.

Asleep Leo seems to think that Jing Yi is a very good teddy bear and Leo should be half on top of him.

Leo needs the sleep more than he does. He can deal with being a little crushed.

(He resists the temptation to stroke his hair. Because that might wake him up. And no other reason.)

In the morning, Leo is still super asleep.

There just going to have to hit the road late then. It would be an act of unimaginable cruelty to move Leo. He is actually sleeping! Uninterrupted!

Jing Yi's hand is now entirely pins and needles. But that is a small price to pay.

In fact, if left uninterrupted, Leo will sleep until 1pm.

Jing Yi, unfortunately, admits defeat at about 10 am, and he tries to extract himself from the bed without waking Leo up.

Leo flops over onto his stomach and doesn't appear to notice that Jing Yi moved.

Okay, so that means he doesn't feel like a cad for having pesky physical needs like 'food,' 'using the bathroom' or 'not having his circulation cut off'.

Also it gives him an excuse to look Fondly at him without being a creep. ... That much of a creep.

Look at this adorable boy. He has curled up in a small ball holding a pillow and he has a little smile on his face.

He is never going to be able to move this adorable boy! Which is a little bit of a problem, because they should maybe check out soon?

But he's so cute! And asleep!

So cute and asleep and definitely hard in his sleep! A fact which the Mormon underwear does absolutely nothing to hide.

Jing Yi is going to ignore this out of politeness. Even if it is hard. (...Badumtish.)

But wow, that underwear sure does not hide anything, which is a thing he has no feelings about.

... He should really try and extract Leo from bed at this point. Gentle hand on shoulder?

"Mmrmph." He clings more tightly to his pillow.

"I am so sorry about this." Gentle shoulder wiggle.

"Sarai, I'm up," he says.

"So, how would you rate your first night of being kidnapped?" he says brightly.

"--Oh shoot!" he says.

"It's fine. I was assuming you needed that."

"--how late did I sleep in?"

"Till about 10am? So a solid spring break amount there."

"I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault! I could have woken you up earlier. But we should probably get on the road soon."

"You're not supposed to sleep in."

He gets up and, for lack of other better options, puts on his old dress.

"You're in the Sinful Outside World. You can --nay, may be forced to-- sleep in."

"Rising early is virtuous."

"Good thing I don't care about virtue."

Jing Yi is very politely not looking at Leo getting changed.

He finishes dressing and putting up his hair and patiently awaits instructions from his kidnapper.

"Ready to hit the road?" Presumably the answer is 'yes,' but he is trying to be a polite impulsive kidnapper.

"Yes."

He's a little hungry but it's not like he's never missed a meal before.

And they head out! The hotel has a strangely lenient check out policy, it's great.

Before they get out of town, Jing Yi stops at a convenience store. "Need anything?"

"I'm all right."

...oookay, he's not sure he believes that, but whatever.

He returns from the store laden with a box of granola bars, several kinds of soda, and a bag of cheese and onion chips that ends up resting open on the hand brake. "Fruit 'n' nut or peanut extravaganza?"

"Whichever one you don't want?"

"I picked ones that I liked, so whichever one you'd prefer."

...what happens if he just doesn't eat.

Jing Yi is focused on driving, he's not going to push. But the bag is definitely in Leo's footwell

...on one hand he's really hungry, he hasn't had food since the cookie at lunch, but on the other hand maybe Jing Yi will be angry at him for eating it? He doesn't know at all what Jing Yi's food budget looks like. And Jing Yi didn't want sex last night so Leo is now very confused about what Jing Yi even wants. 

He is going to stare out the window in silence and occasionally glance longingly at the mysterious food.

Jing Yi meanwhile is stuffing his face with handfuls of chips.

Well, he definitely seems to be hungry.

Leo figures that he is going to be a very useless and stupid kidnap victim and then he's going to be returned home. But at least he will have gotten to sleep.

"Is there anything you particularly want to do while kidnapped? Something you always wanted to do but it was sinful or what's-his-face couldn't be bothered with?"

"Sleep," he says, before he can question his answer to the question.

He laughs. "That can be arranged."

(He unfortunately does not trust Leo with sarcasm, other wise he'd be cracking wise about 'Ooh, I don't know, that sounds complicated to arrange.')

"Um. Books? If you could drop me off at the library."

"I could drop you off at the library. Or take you to a bookshop."

"Books are expensive!"

"And kidnapping someone is a once in a life time experience! I gotta get good reviews!"

"...I want to eat so much food."

"Any preferences?"

"Uh. Not... really? We eat a lot of beans and rice and potatoes and eggs at home. Milk. Bread."

"I need to get you a good hotpot. And a pizza. And several burritos."

"What's a hotpot?"

"You take a soup base, and you put it on a camp stove. And you have a bunch of meat and vegetables and you add whatever you want and let it cook until it's done. --or you just buy one someone else has made, that works too."

"...how is that different from a normal soup?"

"It's sociable? You get to share the fun of 'do you think the meatballs are cooked by now?'"

"You can also do that with regular soup?"

"--I can't actually disagree with that."

...he very cautiously opens one of the bars to see what happens.

Nothing happens, other than continued driving.

Maybe he will nibble on it a little. Hesitantly.

This kidnapper is doing a very confusing mind game.

The depths of his mind game are beyond even his own comprehension.

"Ooh, peanut. Good choice."

Jing Yi wants him to eat the peanut???

He will eat ALL of the peanut ones.

He may eat all the peanut ones!

Leo is getting a Good Grade In Being Kidnapped.

He's passing with flying colours!

"...um I'm very stupid. What am I supposed to be doing?"

"Anything that doesn't cause me to crash the car would be fine?"

"I mean, with being kidnapped. I assume, being a-- consensual kidnapper-- you're planning to return me to my husband at some point?"

"If you want a two week holiday, I can arrange that. Or you can stay longer if you would like."

"Okay, so, two weeks. What am I supposed to... do... in those two weeks?"

"I would suggest a jam packed schedule of sin, debauchery and decadence, but honestly I think you would prefer to sleep?"

"Sleep is sinful."

"Okay, got it: jam packed schedule of seeing how much you can sleep."

"'She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants,'" he quotes.

"Who does?"

"The ideal wife. Proverbs 31. --I guess you wouldn't know."

"Well, good thing I'm not looking for the ideal wife. Breakfast in bed sounds way more fun before you get woken up by someone banging around in the kitchen."

"Are you looking for. Um. An unideal wife."

How does he answer this in a way that is true and also doesn't hurt Leo's feelings. "... Not at the moment, but I could be sold on it?"

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that is terrifying and also kind of appealing, at least the part that involves kissing and hugs

"...can I have. A to do list?" he tries.

"For being a kidnapping victim?"

"Ye..... es."

"Task 1: Sleep a lot, Task 2: debauchery to be decided."

"I think... I want to know... what should be decided? Um. What are the debauchery options."

There is definitely something he wants to do but he really needs to feel out --hah-- Leo first. "It depends what you want to do? What's something you've wanted to do that you weren't allowed to?"

"...Read more?"

"That's definitely doable. So, task 1: sleep, task 2: read as much as reasonably possible."

"Especially to find out what... people who aren't Latter-Day Saints... think about things."

"The nice thing about our libraries and bookshops is that none of them are run by Latter Day Saints. -- I think."

"I liked. Um. The food."

"Arbitrary food is also possible."

"--I mean I know that probably that was a special, um, pre-kidnapping treat or whatever and I can't expect anything, I'm happy to eat potatoes or beans or whatever you normally eat--"

"This is a --probably-- Once In A Lifetime Kidnapping Experience, we can live a little."

"--I don't want you to overspend your budget."

"I can eat beans and rice when you go back, but I highly doubt that will come up unless we find out your favourite food is gold plated truffles."

"You can't eat gold."

"You can eat a little bit of gold."

"What."

Guess what question he's NOT asking right now.

"Like, it's not nutritious or anything, and eating a lot would be bad for you, but it isn't poisonous."

HE WANTS TO EAT GOLD.

WHAT DOES GOLD TASTE LIKE.

Probably gold is a lot more expensive than cookies.

"...it would be nice to have another cookie," he concludes.

"Cookies are definitely an option!"

"And um." He turns bright red and starts to mumble.

Ooh, this could be juicy. "And?"

"--Iwanttobekissed."

This is probably an incredibly risky thing, because Leo doesn't seem good at having desires of his own. ... But also, how else his going to get practice if he isn't allowed to have them and see if he likes them?

"That could. Potentially be arranged."

"I could have sex with you afterward? If you wanted."

"Kissing by itself sounds pretty good to me! ...I could also find other people for you to kiss. If you, uh. Want a sample size."

"Do you want me to?"

"Does it sound fun to you?"

"I... don't know?"

"Well, you'll have time to decide. Anything else you want to do?"

"...ride a rollercoaster? I've never gone on one."

"That might be more difficult, but I can see if I can work something out."

Oh. That's right. A lot of the things he demands might be too hard. 

He curls up and decides not to ask for any more things.

...it would be nice if Leo was less sensitive to his existence being inconvenient, but Jing Yi is reasonably sure he's had a lot of practice at it, so.

Save pointing it out probably won't help.

Time for some awkward driving in silence, then.

Being kidnapped: really much more boring than previously expected.

Jing Yi is very nice to look at though. Especially when he starts singing along to songs.

It's a shame Leo doesn't know the words, or he would drag him into a sing-along

When they arrive near the Bay Area:

"... ... ... ...this place is smaller than I expected."

"How big were you expecting?"

"Sky... scrapers? This is just like Salt Lake City but more of it."

"... You know, that's probably a fair comparison. Extra large Salt Lake City, hold the Mormonism."

"Add more sinfulness."

"The sinfulness is what gives it its flavour!"

"You could just force me to have sex with you."

"...No."

"Okay. But like. I can't have sex with you because that would be adultery and adultery is-- a really bad sin, it's not like drinking coffee or something. But if you made me. Then it wouldn't be my fault. And the whole reason I'm here is that you want me to commit sins."

Aaaaaagh, why is he having to explain consent to someone who ?appears? to want to go to bed with him, but who is actually, let's be honest, giving incredibly mixed signals.

"While I may be a dirty sinner, I do, uh, have ethics? And doing that would be against my ethics."

"You don't care that I'm married."

"I am fully in favour of married people having sex," if their husbands are awful "but not forcing people."

"Married people having sex... with their husbands?"

"Married people having sex with whoever they want."

"Right, but my body belongs to my husband, and he can have me whenever he likes. So if I can have sex with people other than my husband my body belongs to... everyone? Or at least to my kidnapper?"

"You're allowed to have preferences here!"

"I think preferences are a thing men have."

"You could try having them. You might find you like 'em."

"I did try having one and you ignored it. That you should force me into sex."

"I don't like forcing people to do things! I'm a deeply unreasonable kidnapper like that."

"This really seems like nitpicking! It's okay to force me to leave my husband so I can take a nap but it's not okay to force me into sex!"

"It's a special case!" Why is he trying to explain ethics. Someone stop him.

"Why is it special!"

"Like-- it would be very unlikely for me to harm you by going 'you should have a nap now.' I could very much harm you by going 'you should have sex with me now.'"

"And stealing me from my husband and everything I've known for my entire life isn't going to harm me? You realize that this is the farthest I've ever been from my house?"

"I-- I am the most consistent man in the world."

"You should be more consistent. By kissing me."

"...I could be convinced to kiss you."

"You know I've thought about you forcing me to kiss you for literally ten years."

"--No?"

"Well! Just so you know! That's true!"

"I will Keep This Fact In Mind."

"That's a heck of a response to a confession that someone masturbates about you!!!"

"Oh? Would you prefer me to forget it?" Ah, good, he doesn't need to introduce him to the concept of masturbation.

"...probably?"

Awww. "I solemnly swear I won't mention it again."

Now he is less angry and more curling up in on himself in embarrassment.